Sea Stories #1: Spanky, The Professional Pervert.

In the Navy we have what we call "Sea Stories". Now these are usually tales, some of them embellished upon to no end, that take place when one is away from home port. It involves situations that have occured either at sea or in a foreign land. As I sit here on watch I have decided that I will share some of mine with you.

***Disclaimer: All of my stories are true...unfortunately. I wish I could doctor 'em up to make me sound like I was the shyt, but that would only take away from the pain that I am trying to share with you.***

This is going to take a minute to set up just so that you can appreciate the story. That being said, bear with me.

It's early in the year 1999 and my ship is visiting Sydney, Australia. It is the last full day of liberty and me and my friends are out in town doing it up. It happens to be a weekend so we are bar and club hopping trying to find something, or someone to get into. We end up at a place called Bourbon and Beefsteak. Now I know what you are thinking. The name sounds pretty wierd, doesn't it? Well it's actually a restaurant that turns into a nightclub after hours. It has since changed it's name to just "The Bourbon" after a much needed renovation. Enuff of the history on that place.

So we have decided that this was going to be our final stop of the night. After traveling all over the city looking for "the club" to be in, we are finally getting tired and eager to spend time in the hotel rooms that we spent over $100 a night to stay in. Surprisingly enough, there weren't many sailors up in the place. There were enough, mind you, but not enough to have to worry about anyone "Charlie Bravo-ing" you.(see also "Cock blocking")

As I look across the dance floor, I notice that there are two females who seem to stand out from the rest. They are enjoying each other on the dance floor and as they spin around I can see that they are rather attractive. I look around the room the see if any of my friends had noticed it also but couldn't catch them anywhere. I did notice, however, another guy from my ship who I knew but didn't never really hung out with too much. He looks at me. I return the look. We both nod and head out on the dance floor. Without having to decide who was going to take which one, we both end up with the female that we each wanted from the start. After dancing for what seemed like an hour, the girls tell us that they have to go home so that they could get some sleep before working later that day. I say later that day because it is 7 a.m. by the time that the four of us walk out of the club.

So anyway, to make a long story short, we ended up going back to their apartment and hooking up. I found out that she was actually from England and was rather pissed that I thought she was Australian. Why? I don't know. Who cares?
She tells me that she is going back to England the following month after being on "holiday" (vacation) over in Australia for just over a year. I tell her that usually a vacation lasts a week or two and that she just plain moved. Well we exchange home and email addresses as well as phone numbers, and part ways. She keeps in touch with me over the years and things are cool. Nothing more than that.

Fast forward four years and once again I am heading over to Australia but on a different ship. I email her and tell her just for the hell of it and find out that she is going to be there around the same time. I ask her if I can use the address of the friend's house that she is staying with so I would be able to take a few days off. You see, my command wouldn't let me go on wacation there unless I had a resident address. She said it was cool and that her friend wouldn't mind at all. She asks me who I was going to be hanging out and if I wanted to invite them over for dinner. Not minding a free meal, I agree and then proceed to pick my "Liberty Buddies".

The first person, who I am going to call Spanky, is a cool, down to earth cat who isn't ashamed of anything. My man has a porno collection the size of most public libraries and doesn't mind bragging about it. The thing that raised my eyebrow, and my concern, was that he had more than his fair share of midget pornos. Never quite understood it but wasn't even about to go there with him.


The second person was from Chicago. I'm gonna call him "Suburb" because I still find it hard to believe that he was from the South Side. He was pretty cool but he really didn't have any game when it came to females. I mean he would be looking at 4th and forever on his own two yard line with 2 seconds on the clock. You got it...


Both of these cats liked to cook so hanging out with them in apartment style hotel rooms was cool. They cooked, I cleaned, and then we all went out to the clubs looking for women.

Okay, so we are tasked with bringing bottles of wine to dinner. We get there a couple of minutes before dinner's scheduled to start and we are met at the door by "Athena". She hugs me and then proceeds to hug the rest of the gang like she has known us forever. We head down the shotgun hallway to the kitchen where introductions are made. A quick glance and I notice that there are 4 guys and 3 females. I already figured that I was going to be okay, but I was worried about my boys.

We sit down to eat dinner, which came out in four courses, and I get a wierd vibe from the one guy who arrived to dinner shorly before us. Three more minutes and I realize that he is indeed gay as hell. So after redoing the numbers in my head I came up with 3 guys, 3 women and 1 homosexual. Looking around the table I noticed that my boys caught it too. They then proceeded to look over the other two women to decide which one they were going to pursue.

As dinner ends and the gay fella leaves, we notice that we are running low on wine.
After a quick run to pick up more alcohol, we are all sitting around the table. We find out that the old, weathered looking female was married and one leg was shorter than the other. That brought the women down to 2. More small talk ensues and we are all having a good ole time. Everyone is comfortable with each other and the conversation is actually pretty entertaining. Well it gets later and the lady of the house says goodnight and limps upstairs. We all sit around a little longer and continue the small talk.

Soon Athena heads to the front of the house to use the computer in the room in which she is staying and I take this as my cue. I get up to follow leaving my boys in the room with "Rose". Now I call her rose because she had beautiful dark red hair. By her face she looked like she was in her late thirties, early forties, but easily had the body of a twenty year old. During the conversation at dinner it came out that she works out a lot. She was attractive and had on a nice outfit that hugged her curves.

As I was putting my chair under the table and following Athena up the hallway, I noticed that neither of my friends were paying me any attention. All eyes were on her as if she were the last turkey leg on the serving dish. I laugh inside thinking, "I wonder how they are going to settle this?", and I turn and disappear down the long dark hallway.

I get into the room only to find Athena checking her email. After talking a little, I find out that after she returned to England in '99, she started dating her current boyfriend and they were talking about possibly moving in together. I try to change the subject REAL quick. Didn't need to talk about anything that would bring his ass back up again. So I try everything I can to get something started with her but she tells me that it wouldn't be right. Still I push on. After a couple of minutes her story starts to change and just as I am kissing her on the neck...SMACK!!

Athena: "Did you hear that?"
Me: "Hear what?"
Athena: "I thought I heard something coming from the kitchen."
Me: "I didn't hear anything."

SMACK!!!

Athena: "I know you heard that!"
Me: "I swear I didn't hear anything!" (Quietly wondering what the hell that was)
Athena: "I know I heard something. I going back in there!"
Me: "Look I didn't hear anything. Stay in here with me. We gotta a lot to catch up on."
Athena: "Alright. So..."

SMACK...SMACK...OOhhhhhhh!!!

Athena: (Looking at me like she just knew I heard that) "Let's get back in there!"
Me: (DAMN!) "Aiight. I heard it that time but I am sure that everything's alright. Those are grown people in there." (All the while I am wondering just what the hell is going on in there. Didn't really care because I was trying to get my party started.)
Athena: "Well we are going back in there!" (She grabs my hand and we exit the room. Damn!!!)

Well, I am pissed. I watch her walk in front of me down the hallway. She has on low waist jeans with a thong showing out the back. A nice butt for a Caucasian woman from jolly ole England. I am pissed at these guys because I am sure that if I had a minute more that I coulda been...

She stops suddenly at the threshold of the door leading into the dinning room.

Athena: "Oh My God! What the f*ck is going on in here?"

I pause for a second. A myriad of possible situations go through my head. None of them good. Of course that would depend on how she was taking it. Finally I gather the courage to catch up to her and look over her shoulder to find Spanky with his pants halfway down beating it up, spanking the hell outta Rose until her right ass cheek was Beet red. She is leaning over the dining room table with her head inches away from Suburb's lap. I go back in the hallway, lean my back on the wall and slide all the way down to the floor. We were only gone less than ten minute! Were we the one's holding the party up?

Athena: "I'm not even upset, but I just want to know what the hell are you doing? (Pointing over at Suburb)

I come back in and look at Suburb only to find him twiddling his thumbs and returning her confused stare. With Spanky having Rose bent over the table with her head near Suburb's waist as he was sitting in the chair, it was painfully obvious to me what they were doing. Spanky pulls his pants up. Rose pulls up her pants and underwear, and Suburb continues to twiddle his thumbs.

Rose was obviously three sheets to the wind and Athena catches her as she stumbles. She gets her to the steps and I head back into the dining room.

Me: "What the hell are you doing?"
Spanky: "Man, I saw you go with ol' girl to the back room so I said, 'F*ck it'!"
Me: "And what were you planning on doing sitting there twiddling your thumbs?"
Suburb: "Man, Spanky grabbed her and started playing with her breasts (Yeah, like that's the word he used) and pulled her pants down and started hitting it from the back. I saw her head getting closer to me so I pulled my pants down and was about to stick it in her mouth until I heard ya'll coming down the hallway."

Then they both looked at me like I blew it for letting Athena come out of the room. I felt, for a moment, that it was my fault but that soon subsided.

Well Spanky goes to look in on Rose as Athena comes out of the stairwell leading upstairs. Shortly after the sounds of ass slapping resume and I start feeling sorry for Rose's ass cheeks. Athena is laughing at Rose who is telling Spanky he hits too hard. I'm trying to get Athena back in the room but she is having too much fun laughing at what is currently going on. I realize this is her way of trying to stay faithful so I let it go...for now. Suburb takes this time to pull his pants up thinking that no one is paying him any attention. This continues for twenty minutes.

With them having to get up early in the morning, and Spanky and Suburb having duty the next day, the party ends. As we are escorted out of the house, Athena tells me she is going to spend the day with me tomorrow since I would be without the fellas. I figure we would have our time since I would be the only one in the apartment so I am not too upset. I'm thinking that I can wait until tomorrow. Hell, it was still a fun night regardless. The guys head out the door first and as I turn around to Athena she plants a kiss on me that changes my mind. I'm thinking about right now! A few seconds go by and she hears Rose in the front dry heaving and tells me to hold on. As she heads back into the house, I stand in the door and tell Spanky and Suburb to go on without me. They looked puzzled until I damn near had to yell, "LEAVE!", before they got the hint.

Athena comes back to the door as they disappear from sight. She asks where they are and I tell her that they left without me. She kisses me again and I try to push myself in the house but she stands firm. She tells me that she shouldn't due to the fact that she cares for her boyfriend back home and doesn't want to cheat on him. The last kiss that she gives me says otherwise and we start backing into the door when...

Spanky: "Are you going to be alright, man? I just wanted to make sure that you knew how to get back to the room and everything?"

A chill runs down my back. Athena takes the form of a rock, impregnable and unyielding.

Athena: "I thought they left you? Liar. I will call you tomorrow."

She closes the door, almost catching a part of me in it. I could only see death in my eyes. I hear my shirt begin to tear! My heart is beating at a pace that hints at exploding. My shoes pop off and I have the taste of blood on my tongue.



I let out a growl as I spin around expecting to pull both of their heads back like PEZ dispensers only to find...



...they aren’t there anymore. Good for them. My heartbeat starts to steady. I am still breathing heavily when I start to wonder what has just happened to me? More importantly…where did I get these gay ass green Levi’s???

(Okay, the last part isn't true.)