Sea Stories #2: Operation: Lost & Found

Now this story takes place very early in my military career.



The Place: Haifa, Israel
The Time: Approx. 11 AM local
The Reason: Because I have to be

Now at this point in my career I am nothing but a lowly E-3. Not responsible for shyt, just told what to do. Basically, what a pawn is to a knight in chess. Well, that's not entirely true. I was in charge of mantaining the preservation on the wing wall, but... Yeah, I was a pawn.

So this is my first time outside of the United States, with the exception of refresher training in Gitmo Bay, Cuba, but that doesn't count. I say that because we weren't allowed to leave the base when we were down there. Anyway, I am on duty and guess what job they task me with? Duty Driver!!! I repeat, this is my first time outside of the United States, with the exception of refresher... You get the idea. I HAVEN'T BEEN HERE BEFORE! WHY THE HELL ARE THEY MAKING ME DUTY DRIVER?

I take a minute to think. Well this might be fun. I mean, hopefully I have to take someone somewhere and it would get me outta painting as well as other meaningless duties that came along with me being a Deck Seaman. As I am thinking about this I hear the PA system click on. "Duty Driver to the Quarterdeck." I put down my paintbrush and head toward the quarterdeck wondering just where this upcoming journey was going to take me.

OOD (Officer of the Deck, for those not in the know): "Hey, you have to take the Marines onboard over to the gym on the other side of the hill for a basketball game. I don't really know where it is but I was told that it shouldn't be that hard to find."
Me: "What kind of shyt is that?"
OOD: "What was that?"
Me: "Ummm...when am I supposed to leave?"
OOD: "Right now. Hurry up and get changed. They should be ready to go by the time you return."
Me: "Roger that. I'll be back shortly."

I head off to take a shower and change out of my dirty uniform. I tell all my boys on duty to have fun painting and that I will be back in a little while. As I turn to walk down the passageway, I am hit in the back of the head by a sortie of Fuck Yous and Kiss my ass, Asskissers, being thrown my way from sailors angrily shaking paint brushes and rollers.

Returning to the Quarterdeck, I noticed the Marine Basketball team already assembled with most of them looking at me like I had taken entirely too long. Now the thing about Marines and Navy personnel is that we get along, but we don't get along. With that being said, "F*CK 'EM!"

We all pile into the van and head off toward town. Now this seemed like it would be a short trip once we got into the city, but then I noticed that there are many streets that headed up several hills. Remembering the OOD's instructions, I realize soon that he screwed me. In no time, grumbling echoed through the van as the Marines were getting very uneasy. Not caring, I continued to drive on. After about twenty minutes I finally glanced in the rear view mirror and asked, "Does anyone know where the hell this gym is?" Man, what did I do that for? As if that didn't set off a slew of groans and sighs. Of course, being in a van full of men, there is always one guy who is going to try to fill the role as navigator.

"I've been here before", piped a short Marine from the back. "You're going the wrong way!" I wanted to choke the shyt out of him, but if I have learned one thing in my life, if you mess wit one Marine, you take on the whole bunch. I kindly ask him to guide me. Another twenty minutes go by. This bastard had no clue as to where we were, or where we were going, for that matter. Another one decides to take the reins and I let him. Now if you have never been to places like Israel or a number of other similar countries, you would be taken aback by the number of soldiers walking the streets with automatic weapons. Being that we were lost as hell, I swear we passed the same soldier on one corner three times. I'm certain that after the fourth time around that his weapon definitely had the saftey off.

It was then that I realized that the only thing worse than listening to a bunch of f*ckin' Marines argue about something that they don't know shyt about was to be STUCK DRIVING AROUND a bunch of f*cking Marines arguing about something they didn't know shyt about. Somehow, by the grace of God, we found the gym. They were forty five minutes late but I didn't care. As soon as the last one closed the door I sped off. Looking through the mirror, I could see one or two of them looking at me as if I was a parent that just dropped them off at their grandmother's house for the summer. In time they got smaller and smaller as I disappeared down the road and over the hill.

I pull out my cigarettes and light one up. I wasn't about to light one up in front of the jarheads. You never know which asshole was going to be gung ho and recite to me Rights and Responsibilities of a military man in uniform. Shyt, they have ashtrays in government vehicles, why couldn't I smoke? Then again, at that time our dungarees had four pockets and we weren't supposed to put our hands in any of them. I know. What kind of shyt is that? So anyway, I was feeling real evil right then for some reason. I found myself hoping that they didn't know the number to the ship and that it would be forever before they returned. I even wanted them to get dragged by teams that they went there to compete against. Just evil shyt. I should have known something was going to happen.

It's an hour later and I am fuckin' lost! I took a wrong turn somewhere and everything outside the windshield was something new to me. I glanced at the upcoming road sign to see if I can make sense of it.



What the f*ck was that!!!! Even if I wasn't going 50 miles and hour I couldn't figure that shyt out!!!

Am I heading toward the Gaza Strip, I wondered? I had noticed that in the news they were popping off again against Isreal. Hell, when aren't they? On our second day inport, some Palestinians had thrown some rocks at one of our tour buses as it was driving away. This made me a little reluctant to choose a tour right away, you know? I look down at the ashtray and it was full. I looked at the gas gauge and it wasn't. I had less than a half pack of cigarettes and less than a half tank of gas. As long as my cigarettes didn't run out before the gas did I thought everything was going to be okay. I leaned back in the seat and continued on.

I have two cigarettes left. There is a little over a quarter tank of gas and I am starting to get nervous. Damn the whole "I'm a man. I don't need directions" bit- I am going to ask for directions. I could've sworn that I saw a sign that said Bethlehem on it. If that I am where I thought I was then I am about 15 to 20 miles from where I should be. I pull up to what looks like a gas station and in the air I hear sirens going off . Is it an air raid? I look to see that the streets are filled with people in robes all facing one way with their heads bowed.



I wasn't thinking, but you have to understand my situation. I had to use the bathroom, I was hungry as hell, I was almost outta cigarettes, and for first time in my life(NOT) I didn't know where I was going. The first group of people are about 30 yards away from where I park. I walk over slowly to the closest person and tap him on the shoulder. He ignores me. I tap him a little harder and he shrugs me off. I'm getting upset now. This guy is just being rude. I think of tapping him again but then it hits me.

AAAARRRRGGHHHH!!!! I look around and I notice that the reason that all of these people have their heads bowed was because they were praying!!! I feel like a total asshole. As I stand there I wonder, "What do I do now?"
Taking a second to think, I immediately assumed the position and I began to pray to my God. I realized that this wasn't Rome but, "When in (wherever you are) do as (whoever is there with you) does."

I ask God to forgive me for being disrespectful as well as all of my transgressions of all my days past. To please continue to watch over my family and friends back home. I continue to ask him to get me out of this situation that I was in and to...
Wait a minute? Is this guy a Palestinian? Am I goinig to get stoned by this group of 30 individuals the minute they cease praying? Damn!!! Why did I have to go and disrespect them like that? Okay, the van is about 30 yards behind me. I am not long outta high school where during the football season I was clocked at running a 4.67. That was fast then for a big guy. Maybe I still had some left in the tank? Okay I am going to...

I feel a tap on my shoulder. I shyt myself. I get tapped again. I open my eyes to see that it is the same man who I disturbed earlier. The sirens have stopped and a group of six people are standing around me. Shyt! I noticed that I am not totally surrounded and that I could probably bulldoze two of 'em before anyone is able to raise their AK-47's and take a shot at me. I calmed down as I notice that none of them are wearing any weapons. They are looking up and down at me standing there in uniform. I fix my mouth to say something when...

Disturbed: "Yes?"
Me: "Ummmmm, I am sorry to have disturbed you during your prayer but I am lost"

They say something in a language that I don't understand. This goes on for a few seconds before I interject.

Me: "I am trying to get back to Haifa"

More chatter. I am relieved when I see fingers pointing back towards the direction from which I came. That's all I needed. Still feeling a little apprehensive, I start back towards the van while still facing the crowd. They are still pointing and talking amongst themselves as I close half of the gap between myself and the vehicle. I listened for a minute longer before I say a "Thank you" and turn to hop in the vehicle. They wave goodbye and I floor it back to the highway.

Man, that was interesting. I started feeling like a coward because of the way I exited that situation but shyt, I'm still here. I realized that while the side of a bus can bend, my composition tends to break when stones are thrown at it.

My plan changes. I am going to head back in the direction that they pointed, but the first sign of the sea and I am going to get off and hug the shoreline up until I see a ship. After another hour of traveling I come up on our flagship. Now I had been here before but as a passenger. Excited, I stop at an intersection to get my bearings when all of a sudden a city bus drives by and hits my sideview mirror as I begin to drive forward. Scared to death, I pause to see what is going to happen next. As the people embark/disembark and the bus continues on, I start breathing again. I get to the gate just up from where my ship is berthed. Throwing the last cigarette I owned out the window, I park the van and head up to the ship. Its now been 5 hours since I have left and the baskeball team was already onboard. I come up to the quartedeck and I am approached by the new OOD.

OOD: "Where the hell have you been? You have been gone for over 5 hours!! The f*cking basketball team has been back for almost three hours and we were about to send out a message concerning your whereabouts!!!"

Me: "Man, I've never been here before! I don't know where I was, to tell you the truth, but I am sure that I have been to Bethlehem and maybe Nazereth! I think I am going to cancel my tour tomorrow, that's for sure!"

OOD: "Give me the keys!"
Me: "You might wanna fill her up!"

As I walk down to change clothes, I looked back on the events of the afternoon. Wait until I tell my Mom, I thought. My chain of command wasn't pissed at me at all. They claimed that I was just trying to get some time off and took it in stride. It was an experience I won't forget but I have noticed that in the many years since that day, several commands later, I haven't been Duty Driver overseas again. Maybe they did send out a message? I guess the word must be out on me throughout the entire Fleet.
****Flash Message: DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT LET THIS MUH'F*KA BE YOUR DUTY DRIVER. END OF MESSAGE****