One Small Step for Man....

Setting: In the Maintenance Office about three weeks ago.

Aiight, so I'm looking online because I am thinking that I need a new set of boots. Some asshole, while cleaning up the berthing (the small sleeping area where they cram 90 muhf*ckahs in like a can of Vienna sausages- wun) throws away one, I repeat, ONE of my boots. Now why would anyone do some evil shyt like that, I don't know.

Sooooo after borrowing a pair from a colleague of mine...I know, I know, not the preferred way to go but we were going to be out to sea for over a month and I needed a pair to wear, I search for some to purchase. I come across these.

Now they look comfortable and I think that I am going to enjoy these because, hey, you gotta look after your feets. I begin to read up on them and the more and more I read I start believing that these are the pair for me. I mean here is what the advertisement says about them.

ETC™ technology controls friction, and preventing moisture and blisters
Sympatex membrane for waterproof and bloodborne protection
Lace to toe Styling
Slip-resistant Vibram outsole
Steel toe and shank
Removeable insole
Meets ANSI Z41 PT99 M1/75 C/75 standards for safety toe

I know what you're thinking. "This cat is a sucker for advertising." Well, you would be right. I was sold. I mean, considering where I was going to be going the "Sympatex membrane for waterproof and bloodborne protection" might have been just what Unca Sam shoulda provided us with all along. I mean, I don't wanna die from any bloodborne agents. And yes, my home that I build will have a bomb shelter. Annnnnnnnnnnd if the other disclosures weren't enough, they go into great detail about the "friction controlled" point of it all. Then, as if they needed anymore visual aids for this fish, who was already reeling from the hook that he just bit down on, they hit me with a picture that looks like this....
Yeah. The one on the left just looks like your feet would be a hell of a lot cooler. I mean I told you that just yesterday that it got up to 105 degrees. I look at the price. "As low as $139.99!"

Well, GAWT DAMN!!!!! I am used to paying only $70 for some steel-toed shoes. Hell these things better massage my toes for that price, shyt!!!! After a little time to think it over, I finally enter my address and credit card information. F*ck it. We were going to be out and I wanted a good pair of boots so I might as well spend the cash, right? Man was I ever wrong about that!!!!

Ten days go by and I am told that I have mail, and that it must be a care package because it was so big. I am excited because I am thinking that finally, FINALLY...that care package that J said that she was going to send had arrived. I rush upstairs like a little ass kid, brushin' pass people, just anxious as hell to open a bag of those pistaccios. When I get there I find a big ass box sitting in the middle of the floor. Thinking this must be it, I head over, pick it up and realize that it is lighter than I would've hoped. I look further and I see that it is in fact the name of the company I bought the boots from. The box is huge!!! I wear a size 14 but damn!!! I open it up and I find myself staring at the biggest set of frickin' moonboots in all of GOD's creation!!!!!!


DAMNNN!, I yelled. People gathered around and all shared in on the moment. The laughs just wouldn't stop coming. I made the mistake and tried them on in front of my guys. I was told that I looked like...


So I'm thinking I am going to break them in and then maybe they would start to looking normal. Well the very next day I am on watch and Khary comes down to chat. After seeing my boots he begins to cut loose. As he's hopping around in the chair very slowly trying to simulate an astronaut, "KAAAAAAHHHH...That's one small step for man..."