The Road to Hell is Paved....

Well I was intending on attending my first day of class to get certified a Master Journeyman in Electronics. What happened that fuct up Saturday morning will forever be burned into my memory. Not that it was tragic, nor did something really traumatic happen, just...well here goes...



I get up that Saturday morning and go through my usual routine. I fry some bacon, toast a bagel and whip up some cheese eggs (I make the best eggs this side of EVER). So as I am eating my breakfast, I get a phone call from, we'll call him "John Henry", asking me to pick him up from his house so he can roll with me. Now this doesn't bother me because me and JH are cool. I roger up on gettin' him and then hang up, smoke a cigarette and then proceed to get ready to leave.

As I am pulling up to his house, I beep the horn and out the door he comes. Now I recommend friends like these who refuse to keep anyone waiting on them especially if they are depending upon that person to give them a ride somewhere. (Keep that in mind, J) Now JH is 6 ft 6 inches tall and at the time I met him, he was about 290 pushing 300. As he turns and kisses the wifey goodbye, I remember our first meeting.

At that time I was new to the ship that I am currently on and I was walking down a passageway heading toward my berthing [Where we Navy people sleep- Just trying to keep you abrushed on the terms, mate-wun] when all of a sudden I can't see the light 20 feet in front of me. Around the corner had come this big menacing, formidable, "Oh hell naw, where the f*ck is my gun", looking figure who was continually walking towards me and not slowing down. Now p-ways ["passageways", you're welcome-wun] on ships are narrow to begin with. I, on one hand, stood barely 6ft 2" and pretty much was drawfed by him. I look in front of me as we are getting closer and I notice a repair locker on the left. There is a pipe wrench in plain view and I felt that if I could get to it I had a chance. In that short period of time I then proceeded to fast forward and play out the next 15 seconds in my head.

As the Wookiee ventured in closer I lunged out for the Battle pipe. He let out a menacing growl and instantly closed the gap between us. Reaching the pipe first, I turned and swung with all of my earthly might.
[Crack]
He grimaced in pain as I laid the end of the blunt object squarely across his temple. As he tumbled to the ground, sensing victory I gathered all my strength for the death dealing blow. With painstaking clarity in his eyes, sensing that this was indeed the sum of all his fears, he raised his hands in submission as if to say...

"What' s up man? You new onboard? I'm John Henry and I work in the engine room. Nice to meet you. Where you coming from, dawg?"

He had extended his hand and it totally engulfed mine, as well as part of my forearm. We've been cool ever since.

Well we're in the truck driving down H-1 following two other people that were also attending the class. Exiting off the expressway, we get to a street not too far from downtown Honolulu. The car in front of me turned the corner and I proceeded to follow. The white RAV4 that I was with swung to the right of the car and sped off. Attempting to follow it, I passed the car on the left side and as I punched on the gas I noticed this:



It was too late!!! I was only able to look behind me and in the right lane and there were no moves to make. I couldn't stop because I had cut one asshole off (Look who's calling who the asshole. I know...) and there was the guy that I was trying to get in front of that, for some reason, decided to speed up. I bit down hard. I was going to have to take this one. F*ck!!! And I had just bought these rims and had low pro Pirelli's on 'em too...



[POOOW.....HISS.....HISS......HISS.....HISSSS]

"What the f*ck was that?", JH yelled. "What the hell did you just do? What was it, B?"

"I just f*ckin' farted and blew an O-ring in my ass", I snapped. "What the f*ck do you think happened?"

At this time I am hot. I mean, I knew it was all my fault, but I felt that the loud ass thud from falling in and coming out of a 5 inch pothole, while going 45 miles an hour, coupled with the rhythmic hissing, should have made the answer pretty damn obvious.

He could sense I was heated. [HISS....HISS...HISS] I pulled the truck to a stop about 20 yrds past the pothole. I make sure not to brake too quickly as not to start a collision that would lead to a pileup or anything. Luckily the car behind was a beater and it took the pothole like a champ, and seeing my fate, changed lanes with nobody behind him. We exit the car to look at the damage. Tire was blown the hell out. 10 inch rip in it. I couldn't tell at the time but the rim was slightly bent.

Everyone that was in our group returned to the scene after a phone call from JH. We assess the situation after all of the "Damns", "Oh, Shyts", "What the f*ck were you thinkings" were passed around. I call my insurance company who quickly (HA) dispatches a tow truck to haul me to the nearest shop that they would pay for. Of course this shop is always gonna be 10 shorter than were you want it to be. I wanted to go to Sears near my house so that I could get my stocks put back on. Well my house was 14 miles away, while the nearest shop was 3 miles.

By this time people are getting antsy. Class was about to start in 45 minutes and people were trying to wait for the tow truck with me but didn't want to be late on the first day. Out of nowhere a siren is heard and a Honolulu policeman pulls up behind my truck. He gets out and asks if we need him to call a tow truck. I tell him that it was already done. He starts to usher traffic away from my lane due to it being a three lane street and I was in the far left lane. What's pictured below on the right is actually a median with trees and shyt. My truck was a little further than where the pic was taken. After a minute of that he comes back and asks me the dumbest question.


"Sir, do you think we can push your truck over to the right into that parking lot 30 yrds away?"

I tell him, "But I have a flat and I am sittin' on my rims already." He looks around the group and at the trucks lined up and realized everyone has 20's or better on their feet. He looks at me. I look back giving him the "Shyyyyyyyyyt" face. He hops in the car and drives away. I mean, it wasn't that much traffic. I broke out my street hazard sign and called it a day.

I then tell the guys that they should go and let the instructor know what happened and that I will be there next week. I wasn't worried because I have been doing electronics for years and was sure I could miss the first 6 of these classes. So they leave and I am stuck here to wait for the tow truck that I called 30 minutes ago.

My phone rings. It's the insurance company telling me that the truck got caught up and that it could be up to another hour. Damn!!! So I, for what reason I don't know, call my ex girlfriend. She begins to tell me of some pothole hotline and how I can get my money back and everything. I start thinking shyt, I could use that. The rim is going to cost $650+ and the tire about $250.

Well, I call them and then I get an automated service. I mess around with that for 30 minutes before I hang up in disgust. Still no tow truck.

After another hour, and me having smoked my last cigarette, the tow truck pulls up. Driving it is a bruh, who later I find out is from LA. His story was one all too common of military people who come over, get out and then decide to stay, all the while complaining about the high cost of living. Anyway, as we load the truck up and head towards the Sears near my house, he's telling me about his weekend while playing Beef 2 soundtrack, I think, on the Cd player. I look out the window just in time to see another one of these...



I see it, he doesn't.

[BLAM.....BLAM]

I'm thinking this shyt better not mess up my oth..

[BLAMMM]

"Oh, shyt!!!", he says. "My bad."

If looks could kill dude's head woulda exploded. I think he sensed it. But anyway, I believe the road to hell is paved with good intentions and filled with f*ckin' potholes. You get there by landing in a lot of them. Killin' his ass would've been just one more along the way.

The good thing is dude didn't charge me extra for the distance. I saved 30 bucks. The rest of that day sucked and.....that's about it. Any questions?

Why am I writing about this? This story popped in my mind as I was looking at pics of my truck. As I was looking online for some pictures of potholes, I noticed that some cat hit the same f*cking sinkhole sometime after I did and wrote a story about it. His was geared towards the "Pothole hotline". I used the pics though. True story.