Sea Stories #2: Operation: Lost & Found

Now this story takes place very early in my military career.



The Place: Haifa, Israel
The Time: Approx. 11 AM local
The Reason: Because I have to be

Now at this point in my career I am nothing but a lowly E-3. Not responsible for shyt, just told what to do. Basically, what a pawn is to a knight in chess. Well, that's not entirely true. I was in charge of mantaining the preservation on the wing wall, but... Yeah, I was a pawn.

So this is my first time outside of the United States, with the exception of refresher training in Gitmo Bay, Cuba, but that doesn't count. I say that because we weren't allowed to leave the base when we were down there. Anyway, I am on duty and guess what job they task me with? Duty Driver!!! I repeat, this is my first time outside of the United States, with the exception of refresher... You get the idea. I HAVEN'T BEEN HERE BEFORE! WHY THE HELL ARE THEY MAKING ME DUTY DRIVER?

I take a minute to think. Well this might be fun. I mean, hopefully I have to take someone somewhere and it would get me outta painting as well as other meaningless duties that came along with me being a Deck Seaman. As I am thinking about this I hear the PA system click on. "Duty Driver to the Quarterdeck." I put down my paintbrush and head toward the quarterdeck wondering just where this upcoming journey was going to take me.

OOD (Officer of the Deck, for those not in the know): "Hey, you have to take the Marines onboard over to the gym on the other side of the hill for a basketball game. I don't really know where it is but I was told that it shouldn't be that hard to find."
Me: "What kind of shyt is that?"
OOD: "What was that?"
Me: "Ummm...when am I supposed to leave?"
OOD: "Right now. Hurry up and get changed. They should be ready to go by the time you return."
Me: "Roger that. I'll be back shortly."

I head off to take a shower and change out of my dirty uniform. I tell all my boys on duty to have fun painting and that I will be back in a little while. As I turn to walk down the passageway, I am hit in the back of the head by a sortie of Fuck Yous and Kiss my ass, Asskissers, being thrown my way from sailors angrily shaking paint brushes and rollers.

Returning to the Quarterdeck, I noticed the Marine Basketball team already assembled with most of them looking at me like I had taken entirely too long. Now the thing about Marines and Navy personnel is that we get along, but we don't get along. With that being said, "F*CK 'EM!"

We all pile into the van and head off toward town. Now this seemed like it would be a short trip once we got into the city, but then I noticed that there are many streets that headed up several hills. Remembering the OOD's instructions, I realize soon that he screwed me. In no time, grumbling echoed through the van as the Marines were getting very uneasy. Not caring, I continued to drive on. After about twenty minutes I finally glanced in the rear view mirror and asked, "Does anyone know where the hell this gym is?" Man, what did I do that for? As if that didn't set off a slew of groans and sighs. Of course, being in a van full of men, there is always one guy who is going to try to fill the role as navigator.

"I've been here before", piped a short Marine from the back. "You're going the wrong way!" I wanted to choke the shyt out of him, but if I have learned one thing in my life, if you mess wit one Marine, you take on the whole bunch. I kindly ask him to guide me. Another twenty minutes go by. This bastard had no clue as to where we were, or where we were going, for that matter. Another one decides to take the reins and I let him. Now if you have never been to places like Israel or a number of other similar countries, you would be taken aback by the number of soldiers walking the streets with automatic weapons. Being that we were lost as hell, I swear we passed the same soldier on one corner three times. I'm certain that after the fourth time around that his weapon definitely had the saftey off.

It was then that I realized that the only thing worse than listening to a bunch of f*ckin' Marines argue about something that they don't know shyt about was to be STUCK DRIVING AROUND a bunch of f*cking Marines arguing about something they didn't know shyt about. Somehow, by the grace of God, we found the gym. They were forty five minutes late but I didn't care. As soon as the last one closed the door I sped off. Looking through the mirror, I could see one or two of them looking at me as if I was a parent that just dropped them off at their grandmother's house for the summer. In time they got smaller and smaller as I disappeared down the road and over the hill.

I pull out my cigarettes and light one up. I wasn't about to light one up in front of the jarheads. You never know which asshole was going to be gung ho and recite to me Rights and Responsibilities of a military man in uniform. Shyt, they have ashtrays in government vehicles, why couldn't I smoke? Then again, at that time our dungarees had four pockets and we weren't supposed to put our hands in any of them. I know. What kind of shyt is that? So anyway, I was feeling real evil right then for some reason. I found myself hoping that they didn't know the number to the ship and that it would be forever before they returned. I even wanted them to get dragged by teams that they went there to compete against. Just evil shyt. I should have known something was going to happen.

It's an hour later and I am fuckin' lost! I took a wrong turn somewhere and everything outside the windshield was something new to me. I glanced at the upcoming road sign to see if I can make sense of it.



What the f*ck was that!!!! Even if I wasn't going 50 miles and hour I couldn't figure that shyt out!!!

Am I heading toward the Gaza Strip, I wondered? I had noticed that in the news they were popping off again against Isreal. Hell, when aren't they? On our second day inport, some Palestinians had thrown some rocks at one of our tour buses as it was driving away. This made me a little reluctant to choose a tour right away, you know? I look down at the ashtray and it was full. I looked at the gas gauge and it wasn't. I had less than a half pack of cigarettes and less than a half tank of gas. As long as my cigarettes didn't run out before the gas did I thought everything was going to be okay. I leaned back in the seat and continued on.

I have two cigarettes left. There is a little over a quarter tank of gas and I am starting to get nervous. Damn the whole "I'm a man. I don't need directions" bit- I am going to ask for directions. I could've sworn that I saw a sign that said Bethlehem on it. If that I am where I thought I was then I am about 15 to 20 miles from where I should be. I pull up to what looks like a gas station and in the air I hear sirens going off . Is it an air raid? I look to see that the streets are filled with people in robes all facing one way with their heads bowed.



I wasn't thinking, but you have to understand my situation. I had to use the bathroom, I was hungry as hell, I was almost outta cigarettes, and for first time in my life(NOT) I didn't know where I was going. The first group of people are about 30 yards away from where I park. I walk over slowly to the closest person and tap him on the shoulder. He ignores me. I tap him a little harder and he shrugs me off. I'm getting upset now. This guy is just being rude. I think of tapping him again but then it hits me.

AAAARRRRGGHHHH!!!! I look around and I notice that the reason that all of these people have their heads bowed was because they were praying!!! I feel like a total asshole. As I stand there I wonder, "What do I do now?"
Taking a second to think, I immediately assumed the position and I began to pray to my God. I realized that this wasn't Rome but, "When in (wherever you are) do as (whoever is there with you) does."

I ask God to forgive me for being disrespectful as well as all of my transgressions of all my days past. To please continue to watch over my family and friends back home. I continue to ask him to get me out of this situation that I was in and to...
Wait a minute? Is this guy a Palestinian? Am I goinig to get stoned by this group of 30 individuals the minute they cease praying? Damn!!! Why did I have to go and disrespect them like that? Okay, the van is about 30 yards behind me. I am not long outta high school where during the football season I was clocked at running a 4.67. That was fast then for a big guy. Maybe I still had some left in the tank? Okay I am going to...

I feel a tap on my shoulder. I shyt myself. I get tapped again. I open my eyes to see that it is the same man who I disturbed earlier. The sirens have stopped and a group of six people are standing around me. Shyt! I noticed that I am not totally surrounded and that I could probably bulldoze two of 'em before anyone is able to raise their AK-47's and take a shot at me. I calmed down as I notice that none of them are wearing any weapons. They are looking up and down at me standing there in uniform. I fix my mouth to say something when...

Disturbed: "Yes?"
Me: "Ummmmm, I am sorry to have disturbed you during your prayer but I am lost"

They say something in a language that I don't understand. This goes on for a few seconds before I interject.

Me: "I am trying to get back to Haifa"

More chatter. I am relieved when I see fingers pointing back towards the direction from which I came. That's all I needed. Still feeling a little apprehensive, I start back towards the van while still facing the crowd. They are still pointing and talking amongst themselves as I close half of the gap between myself and the vehicle. I listened for a minute longer before I say a "Thank you" and turn to hop in the vehicle. They wave goodbye and I floor it back to the highway.

Man, that was interesting. I started feeling like a coward because of the way I exited that situation but shyt, I'm still here. I realized that while the side of a bus can bend, my composition tends to break when stones are thrown at it.

My plan changes. I am going to head back in the direction that they pointed, but the first sign of the sea and I am going to get off and hug the shoreline up until I see a ship. After another hour of traveling I come up on our flagship. Now I had been here before but as a passenger. Excited, I stop at an intersection to get my bearings when all of a sudden a city bus drives by and hits my sideview mirror as I begin to drive forward. Scared to death, I pause to see what is going to happen next. As the people embark/disembark and the bus continues on, I start breathing again. I get to the gate just up from where my ship is berthed. Throwing the last cigarette I owned out the window, I park the van and head up to the ship. Its now been 5 hours since I have left and the baskeball team was already onboard. I come up to the quartedeck and I am approached by the new OOD.

OOD: "Where the hell have you been? You have been gone for over 5 hours!! The f*cking basketball team has been back for almost three hours and we were about to send out a message concerning your whereabouts!!!"

Me: "Man, I've never been here before! I don't know where I was, to tell you the truth, but I am sure that I have been to Bethlehem and maybe Nazereth! I think I am going to cancel my tour tomorrow, that's for sure!"

OOD: "Give me the keys!"
Me: "You might wanna fill her up!"

As I walk down to change clothes, I looked back on the events of the afternoon. Wait until I tell my Mom, I thought. My chain of command wasn't pissed at me at all. They claimed that I was just trying to get some time off and took it in stride. It was an experience I won't forget but I have noticed that in the many years since that day, several commands later, I haven't been Duty Driver overseas again. Maybe they did send out a message? I guess the word must be out on me throughout the entire Fleet.
****Flash Message: DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT LET THIS MUH'F*KA BE YOUR DUTY DRIVER. END OF MESSAGE****

Sea Stories #1: Spanky, The Professional Pervert.

In the Navy we have what we call "Sea Stories". Now these are usually tales, some of them embellished upon to no end, that take place when one is away from home port. It involves situations that have occured either at sea or in a foreign land. As I sit here on watch I have decided that I will share some of mine with you.

***Disclaimer: All of my stories are true...unfortunately. I wish I could doctor 'em up to make me sound like I was the shyt, but that would only take away from the pain that I am trying to share with you.***

This is going to take a minute to set up just so that you can appreciate the story. That being said, bear with me.

It's early in the year 1999 and my ship is visiting Sydney, Australia. It is the last full day of liberty and me and my friends are out in town doing it up. It happens to be a weekend so we are bar and club hopping trying to find something, or someone to get into. We end up at a place called Bourbon and Beefsteak. Now I know what you are thinking. The name sounds pretty wierd, doesn't it? Well it's actually a restaurant that turns into a nightclub after hours. It has since changed it's name to just "The Bourbon" after a much needed renovation. Enuff of the history on that place.

So we have decided that this was going to be our final stop of the night. After traveling all over the city looking for "the club" to be in, we are finally getting tired and eager to spend time in the hotel rooms that we spent over $100 a night to stay in. Surprisingly enough, there weren't many sailors up in the place. There were enough, mind you, but not enough to have to worry about anyone "Charlie Bravo-ing" you.(see also "Cock blocking")

As I look across the dance floor, I notice that there are two females who seem to stand out from the rest. They are enjoying each other on the dance floor and as they spin around I can see that they are rather attractive. I look around the room the see if any of my friends had noticed it also but couldn't catch them anywhere. I did notice, however, another guy from my ship who I knew but didn't never really hung out with too much. He looks at me. I return the look. We both nod and head out on the dance floor. Without having to decide who was going to take which one, we both end up with the female that we each wanted from the start. After dancing for what seemed like an hour, the girls tell us that they have to go home so that they could get some sleep before working later that day. I say later that day because it is 7 a.m. by the time that the four of us walk out of the club.

So anyway, to make a long story short, we ended up going back to their apartment and hooking up. I found out that she was actually from England and was rather pissed that I thought she was Australian. Why? I don't know. Who cares?
She tells me that she is going back to England the following month after being on "holiday" (vacation) over in Australia for just over a year. I tell her that usually a vacation lasts a week or two and that she just plain moved. Well we exchange home and email addresses as well as phone numbers, and part ways. She keeps in touch with me over the years and things are cool. Nothing more than that.

Fast forward four years and once again I am heading over to Australia but on a different ship. I email her and tell her just for the hell of it and find out that she is going to be there around the same time. I ask her if I can use the address of the friend's house that she is staying with so I would be able to take a few days off. You see, my command wouldn't let me go on wacation there unless I had a resident address. She said it was cool and that her friend wouldn't mind at all. She asks me who I was going to be hanging out and if I wanted to invite them over for dinner. Not minding a free meal, I agree and then proceed to pick my "Liberty Buddies".

The first person, who I am going to call Spanky, is a cool, down to earth cat who isn't ashamed of anything. My man has a porno collection the size of most public libraries and doesn't mind bragging about it. The thing that raised my eyebrow, and my concern, was that he had more than his fair share of midget pornos. Never quite understood it but wasn't even about to go there with him.


The second person was from Chicago. I'm gonna call him "Suburb" because I still find it hard to believe that he was from the South Side. He was pretty cool but he really didn't have any game when it came to females. I mean he would be looking at 4th and forever on his own two yard line with 2 seconds on the clock. You got it...


Both of these cats liked to cook so hanging out with them in apartment style hotel rooms was cool. They cooked, I cleaned, and then we all went out to the clubs looking for women.

Okay, so we are tasked with bringing bottles of wine to dinner. We get there a couple of minutes before dinner's scheduled to start and we are met at the door by "Athena". She hugs me and then proceeds to hug the rest of the gang like she has known us forever. We head down the shotgun hallway to the kitchen where introductions are made. A quick glance and I notice that there are 4 guys and 3 females. I already figured that I was going to be okay, but I was worried about my boys.

We sit down to eat dinner, which came out in four courses, and I get a wierd vibe from the one guy who arrived to dinner shorly before us. Three more minutes and I realize that he is indeed gay as hell. So after redoing the numbers in my head I came up with 3 guys, 3 women and 1 homosexual. Looking around the table I noticed that my boys caught it too. They then proceeded to look over the other two women to decide which one they were going to pursue.

As dinner ends and the gay fella leaves, we notice that we are running low on wine.
After a quick run to pick up more alcohol, we are all sitting around the table. We find out that the old, weathered looking female was married and one leg was shorter than the other. That brought the women down to 2. More small talk ensues and we are all having a good ole time. Everyone is comfortable with each other and the conversation is actually pretty entertaining. Well it gets later and the lady of the house says goodnight and limps upstairs. We all sit around a little longer and continue the small talk.

Soon Athena heads to the front of the house to use the computer in the room in which she is staying and I take this as my cue. I get up to follow leaving my boys in the room with "Rose". Now I call her rose because she had beautiful dark red hair. By her face she looked like she was in her late thirties, early forties, but easily had the body of a twenty year old. During the conversation at dinner it came out that she works out a lot. She was attractive and had on a nice outfit that hugged her curves.

As I was putting my chair under the table and following Athena up the hallway, I noticed that neither of my friends were paying me any attention. All eyes were on her as if she were the last turkey leg on the serving dish. I laugh inside thinking, "I wonder how they are going to settle this?", and I turn and disappear down the long dark hallway.

I get into the room only to find Athena checking her email. After talking a little, I find out that after she returned to England in '99, she started dating her current boyfriend and they were talking about possibly moving in together. I try to change the subject REAL quick. Didn't need to talk about anything that would bring his ass back up again. So I try everything I can to get something started with her but she tells me that it wouldn't be right. Still I push on. After a couple of minutes her story starts to change and just as I am kissing her on the neck...SMACK!!

Athena: "Did you hear that?"
Me: "Hear what?"
Athena: "I thought I heard something coming from the kitchen."
Me: "I didn't hear anything."

SMACK!!!

Athena: "I know you heard that!"
Me: "I swear I didn't hear anything!" (Quietly wondering what the hell that was)
Athena: "I know I heard something. I going back in there!"
Me: "Look I didn't hear anything. Stay in here with me. We gotta a lot to catch up on."
Athena: "Alright. So..."

SMACK...SMACK...OOhhhhhhh!!!

Athena: (Looking at me like she just knew I heard that) "Let's get back in there!"
Me: (DAMN!) "Aiight. I heard it that time but I am sure that everything's alright. Those are grown people in there." (All the while I am wondering just what the hell is going on in there. Didn't really care because I was trying to get my party started.)
Athena: "Well we are going back in there!" (She grabs my hand and we exit the room. Damn!!!)

Well, I am pissed. I watch her walk in front of me down the hallway. She has on low waist jeans with a thong showing out the back. A nice butt for a Caucasian woman from jolly ole England. I am pissed at these guys because I am sure that if I had a minute more that I coulda been...

She stops suddenly at the threshold of the door leading into the dinning room.

Athena: "Oh My God! What the f*ck is going on in here?"

I pause for a second. A myriad of possible situations go through my head. None of them good. Of course that would depend on how she was taking it. Finally I gather the courage to catch up to her and look over her shoulder to find Spanky with his pants halfway down beating it up, spanking the hell outta Rose until her right ass cheek was Beet red. She is leaning over the dining room table with her head inches away from Suburb's lap. I go back in the hallway, lean my back on the wall and slide all the way down to the floor. We were only gone less than ten minute! Were we the one's holding the party up?

Athena: "I'm not even upset, but I just want to know what the hell are you doing? (Pointing over at Suburb)

I come back in and look at Suburb only to find him twiddling his thumbs and returning her confused stare. With Spanky having Rose bent over the table with her head near Suburb's waist as he was sitting in the chair, it was painfully obvious to me what they were doing. Spanky pulls his pants up. Rose pulls up her pants and underwear, and Suburb continues to twiddle his thumbs.

Rose was obviously three sheets to the wind and Athena catches her as she stumbles. She gets her to the steps and I head back into the dining room.

Me: "What the hell are you doing?"
Spanky: "Man, I saw you go with ol' girl to the back room so I said, 'F*ck it'!"
Me: "And what were you planning on doing sitting there twiddling your thumbs?"
Suburb: "Man, Spanky grabbed her and started playing with her breasts (Yeah, like that's the word he used) and pulled her pants down and started hitting it from the back. I saw her head getting closer to me so I pulled my pants down and was about to stick it in her mouth until I heard ya'll coming down the hallway."

Then they both looked at me like I blew it for letting Athena come out of the room. I felt, for a moment, that it was my fault but that soon subsided.

Well Spanky goes to look in on Rose as Athena comes out of the stairwell leading upstairs. Shortly after the sounds of ass slapping resume and I start feeling sorry for Rose's ass cheeks. Athena is laughing at Rose who is telling Spanky he hits too hard. I'm trying to get Athena back in the room but she is having too much fun laughing at what is currently going on. I realize this is her way of trying to stay faithful so I let it go...for now. Suburb takes this time to pull his pants up thinking that no one is paying him any attention. This continues for twenty minutes.

With them having to get up early in the morning, and Spanky and Suburb having duty the next day, the party ends. As we are escorted out of the house, Athena tells me she is going to spend the day with me tomorrow since I would be without the fellas. I figure we would have our time since I would be the only one in the apartment so I am not too upset. I'm thinking that I can wait until tomorrow. Hell, it was still a fun night regardless. The guys head out the door first and as I turn around to Athena she plants a kiss on me that changes my mind. I'm thinking about right now! A few seconds go by and she hears Rose in the front dry heaving and tells me to hold on. As she heads back into the house, I stand in the door and tell Spanky and Suburb to go on without me. They looked puzzled until I damn near had to yell, "LEAVE!", before they got the hint.

Athena comes back to the door as they disappear from sight. She asks where they are and I tell her that they left without me. She kisses me again and I try to push myself in the house but she stands firm. She tells me that she shouldn't due to the fact that she cares for her boyfriend back home and doesn't want to cheat on him. The last kiss that she gives me says otherwise and we start backing into the door when...

Spanky: "Are you going to be alright, man? I just wanted to make sure that you knew how to get back to the room and everything?"

A chill runs down my back. Athena takes the form of a rock, impregnable and unyielding.

Athena: "I thought they left you? Liar. I will call you tomorrow."

She closes the door, almost catching a part of me in it. I could only see death in my eyes. I hear my shirt begin to tear! My heart is beating at a pace that hints at exploding. My shoes pop off and I have the taste of blood on my tongue.



I let out a growl as I spin around expecting to pull both of their heads back like PEZ dispensers only to find...



...they aren’t there anymore. Good for them. My heartbeat starts to steady. I am still breathing heavily when I start to wonder what has just happened to me? More importantly…where did I get these gay ass green Levi’s???

(Okay, the last part isn't true.)

Women. You can't live with 'em, and replacing them with sheep would be so wrong!!

I have been wrong about many a thing in my life, you have only to look at my ball cap to figure that one out, but I can tell you one thing that I am certain of. Women have been put here to hold us down!!!! Yeah, I expect to catch the wrath of my female friends, but I had to say it! I have been holding this in for far too long.



If you read the post underneath this one there are at least two examples that I can draw from. Women, while a necessary part of God's plan for us to procreate, have brought down many a valiant hero. Take Sampson for instance. He succumbed to Delilah's female charms and ended up blind and with a new haircut.



You got every right to be pissed, off dawg. Now tear some shyt up!!!!



Women have been known to start fights. How many times have you personally seen people argue over a female? How about Helen of Troy and the Trojan War? How can a married woman leave with someone else and standby idly as two countries go to war over her infidelity? Remember what happened to these poor bastards? If they knew then what I know now they would probably both go grab some beer together instead.


But wait a minute!!! Take a look at the Good Book. Who was the first one to mess it up for all of us? You got it! Eve. What the hell was Adam thinking? Here you are running through the Garden of Eden butt naked without a care in the world and you give all that up just for a woman.



"Taste the apple Adam. What? I know He said not to but are you going to be a punk all of your life? I need a strong man. What do you mean you are the only one I have to choose from? Well, whatever. I need someone who makes his own rules and who isn’t afraid to live a little.”

And what happens after he eats it? He starts fucking dying. So much for living a little! Thanks to her ass we all gotta suffer. What happens next? Adam gets kicked out his house, starts feeling funny running around naked, has to make it on his own with no help from Dad, and she ends up getting pregnant! Now you got brothers killing brothers, sickness and famine running rampant. It’s total anarchy and it's all her fault.


Okay, so I am a little upset. I guess the story that my man told to me yesterday really pissed me off. Here we are at the beginning of what could be a long deployment and his wife threatens to leave him over some “he said, she said” shyt. What kind of shyt is that? We are already going into harm’s way and now he has to deal with this. It’s no wonder his job performance is slacking. How can a man who loves his wife be able to concentrate when there is basically no way that he can pick up the phone to talk to her? Who knows if she is reading his emails? He is basically stuck with no way out. He doesn’t know if she is going to be there when he gets back. He has no idea what she is doing, because we all know how vindictive women can be. I don’t know. I guess I feel for him.

Okay, I have calmed down a little. For the record, I can’t see a world without women in it, but I just don’t like the part that they play. They have too much power and control over us. They can drive us crazy if we let them and for some unknown reason, we usually do. I hate that because men are supposed to be the ones who think things out logically. It’s women who are driven by their hearts. I have to admit that some of my better friends are women. I think the reason that we get along so well is because we either haven’t had sex yet, aren’t planning to have sex with each other, or that we just aren’t attracted to each other. You have to reach a certain place in your life where you can do that, I think. To be able to hang out with the opposite sex and not even think about what the hell it would be like to flip ‘em over a couple of times or wonder what their “Ohhhhhh” face looks like. Only a couple of females have reached that point with me. Others, unknowingly, have been flipped many times over and over again in my head. But let’s get back to the point. What exactly is the power that a woman has over a man that will make him do stupid shyt? That will cause his world to crumble with only her saying a few words to set him on that path of self-destruction? I will continue to search for that answer until the day that I die. Probably crumble a couple of worlds during my quest.

Ummm…at the time of this publishing, my coworker’s wife emailed back and apologized so…uh…I guess everything is all good, right? Wrong!!!!! He’s happy now but this just goes on to prove my point. What I am wondering is what made her apologize? Did she go out this weekend and retaliate? I find it hard to believe that she realized the error of her ways. Something isn’t being said. See, now I am upset again.

Share it with me...if you must.

Sybok: "I couldn't help but notice your pain."
Evil Sybok Twin:(Caught off Guard) "My Pain?"
Sybok: "It runs deep. Share it with me!"
(Sybok then lunges at his evil twin and they go at it)

Now I am not a Trekkie by any means. Hell, even Tupac quoted this in his song on the Above the Rim Soundtrack entitled "Pain". The reason I am using this here is to make a point. I don't know, but I am trying to find out, why people come to me to talk about their problems? Now I would understand if it were friends of mine, my ear is always open to them, but I am talking about people period. I am saying this because I am screwed up in the head as it is. I don't deal well with the problems befacing me, yet I have everyone coming up to me dumping their load on me. This, in turn, makes me concerned about what is going on with their situation while adding more stress to my already complicated life.

For instance, I am sitting at Pool and Pizza several months ago and a female who happens to be on my ship sits down to talk to me. Now the reason that she sits down to converse is because she felt sorry for me. Okay, let me back up. I walked in wit a female friend, who just so happened to be attractive, to meet another mutual friend of ours who was back in town visiting. Now he hugged her and then they engaged in conversation and was having a good ol time. I was too, but maybe it wasn't written on my face. Unbeknownst to me, there were a lot of people from my boat who saw me walk in with her and they were admiring her beauty. Well the aforementioned female who sat down to talk to me actually thought that my friend had "taken" her away and she felt compelled to come and keep me company.

Now this girl and I don't even talk when we are approaching each other down the narrowest of passageways at work so why she feels that she was the right person to keep me company, I couldn't tell you. Well what happened next startled the hell outta me. She engages in small talk for a few minutes and then leans forward and kisses me on the cheek. What was going through my head as she was leaning in?
"What, is there something in my nose? Why isn't she saying anything? Is she trying to smell my cologne? I know this bitch didn't just kiss me!!!!!"
She later said that she was trying to make my friend jealous. Why, I don't know. The woman is about as far from attractive as you can possibly be. I look around to see if anyone witnessed what just happened and then I start to cry. I felt violated. Her only saving grace was that she was a little drunk and I soon was able to see that. She then proceeds to tell me about her life story and the problems that she is having with her grossly enlarged vericose veins. Yeah, my two friends are laughing and talking about old times and here I am listening to someone telling me how they can hardly walk due to pain stemming from some gross ass vericose veins popping out the side of her legs!!!! I listen. I mean, that's what I do, but I am pretty pissed off that I am stuck in this situation. As she continues on and tells me about a similar situation with her mother, I start to feel sad.

My friends are having a good ass time together and I am stuck on the other side of that table about to cry because this poor girl, who could possibly be stuck in a wheelchair for an indefinite period of time, is beating me about the head with some pretty f*cked up stories. Whatever happened to trying to make her jealous? Get your ass underneath the table and hum a little or something. This is f*cked up!!!!Well when she finishes she realizes that she has to leave. As we say goodbye she acts as if she is walking away but then leans in again, this time I didn't even see this one coming, she kisses me again on the damn cheek!! It was one of those, "Oh I forgot something" moves. You know, you walk away from the table and then you lean back and grab your cigarette lighter? Yeah, one of those. I am angry right about then.



Anyway, what prompted this particular blog? Well a coworker of mine, whom I respect just about the most outta all of my peers, came to me yesterday while I was talking to Ace and Snake (read prior blogs if you don't know who they are) on the fantail of the ship. The fantail is the aft most (toward the rear) weatherdeck of the ship where smokers congregate during the daytime hours. As he walks up to me and shakes my hand, we greet and I continue to listen to whatever bullshyt is coming outta Ace's mouth at that particular moment. Well straight for the jugular he goes!! "Man, my wife's talking about leaving me." Whoa. Pump the breaks buddy!!!!
"What are you talking about?", I ask. And then he fills me in on what was happening with him. It was all due to a misunderstanding but, being that we are several thousand miles away, it was something that he couldn't really handle right away. All he could do was email and try to straighten things out. Unfortunately for him our email has been up and down since we left Sydney. The sad part about it is that it's affecting his job performance. I hate to see that happen to someone who has all the tools and is ready to put on the next higher rank.

So what do I say? How do I console this guy, I mean I am not married. A simple, "F*ck you and thanks for the years", wouldn't sit well in this situation. I tell him that you need to start with figuring how this information got back to her because that is the root of your problem right there. If you only went out one day and didn't even stay overnight then whoever is telling her otherwise needs to be dealt with. He seems shook, so I continue to hear him out. He's telling how it all went down but mainly focused on the "I didn't do anything man. She's had a history of dealing with cheating boyfriends and ex-husbands who have done her wrong so that doesn't help." I wanted to walk away right then and there. I didn't have anything for him. I felt anger well up inside me and I knew that I would tell him that his wife's issues are the problem.

It's sad when things like that happen when you are out to sea because all you can do is just worry. You can email and try to fix things up but then your mind gets to wondering what she might be doing back home. Is she going to be there when I get back? Is she screwing someone else just to get back at me for the alleged infidelity on my part? How will I know?

I have had an incident where a woman has destroyed to career of a guy who worked for me. We were supposed to be out for two months and he was recently married to a woman with 2-3 kids already. Despite warnings from friends and coworkers who felt that she was trifling, he married her anyway. Then the problems began. She loses her job and that strains them financially. When we are little more than a week into the two month underway period she emails him and tells him that she can't deal with the separation. She also tells him that she believes marrying him wasn't a good idea. After that his performance started circling the drain. He gets drunk the first night inport and threatens to kill himself.

Oh, the point? Well during his drunken stupor when he had threatened to kill himself, who do you think they called down to talk to him? Yep...me! As I walk in he immediately begins to cry. I guess the disappointment on my face was too much for him to bear. I give him a half-hug and settle him down so he can sleep it off. I wanted to tell him that he deserved what he got for marrying that chick, but couldn't find the nerves to do it with all the people that were present.The command, in an unprecedented move, sends him back home to straighten his shyt out. Big mistake.

When we return to Hawaii, he's happy for a while and everything seems fine until the next scheduled underway period. What do you think happened then? Yep. They pull the ole "We are having problems again" routine. Well he eventually gets out of the Navy for whatever reason and has found a good job back on the east coast. All is well with him and now he is making almost twice as much doing the same thing he was doing in the military. He played it like a fiddle.

This seems to happen a lot for me. If I am going to perform the duties of a psychiatrist then I would like the pay. I can be as forthcoming with my opinions as necessary to set whomever straight but don't burden me when I am getting nothing in return. Maybe I should write a column or start a talk show. That would be the shyt.

Today on the "Huggy McFeely Show, 'Trifling Ass Females and the Dumbasses Who Love them'".

So Who's Covering My Six!?!?

Okay, once again the setting is Sydney, Australia. The place, the Hilton Sydney. Now this is a pretty good hotel. If I am not mistaken, it is listed as a 4 1/2 to 5 star hotel on most reviews. Along with me are six of my comrades. Now two of these guys have never been to Sydney before and are excited to get out and see what there was to see. The rest of us have journeyed here at least once during our travels and pretty much know what there is to do here. Every time that I come to this place the agenda has been to pick up women. I am not saying that Australian women are easy...just EASIER. They come in all races from Aussie, South African, Greek mixed with something, Asian, etc. What I should be getting at is that they are very friendly. I might have mentioned this in one of my earlier blogs but I felt that this was the time to reiterate that fact.

My story starts in a club. My friend, let's call him "Ace", was walking around and checking the scene to see who tonight's victim was going to be. All the while, I am on the dance floor having a good time. I soon realized that I am doing everything that I said I wasn't going to do. My intentions were to come here and see the other side of Sydney. This will have been my third time here and I haven't seen a Koala Bear or even a Kangaroo at all. Previous trips were just me chasin' females like there was no tomorrow. I finally gave in and commenced to drinking and stayed awake by dancing with the locals. Well I get a tap on my shoulder and turn around to see Ace pointing to a group of women at a table in the corner. He had previously been over there and was bringing me back with him for support. In a sense I was playing the supporting role of Maverick, while he was taking the point as Iceman (See TOP GUN )

As we journey over to the table I quickly realized that everyone sitting there were beautiful as hell. You know the kind of beautiful where you sit back and be like, "Damn!!!" Well I sit down and introductions are made. By this now I am feeling good as hell and before you know it I have been on the floor with about 3 of the 4 women. We were just dancing and having a good time, nothing more. This is probably about the point where we switched roles as Wingmen. Somehow I was flying point. Unprompted, one of them hands me her number so that I and a couple of my friends can meet them tomorrow for a cookout. Now this cookout is like 40 miles outside of the city and I was told that it was going to be more like a family get together. When I heard the distance and realized that we had to take a cab, I pretty much knew that we weren't going there, especially since we had duty the next day. I take the number and put it in my pocket anyway.

So some time later the club closes. I go to look for Ace and he is talking to an older looking lady. I am thinking, "Whoa, it can't be that bad, can it?" So she has a friend with her also. I recognized her as the young lady who marked us off on the guest list when we arrived. I get a look from Ace and once again I take my place as the wingman. I'm telling you, I'm a champ at this...sometimes.

Now, I really only wanted to go back and get to sleep. I was tired as hell for some reason and didn't really feel like going through the whole cat and mouse thing. So eventually we all leave the club in a cab and head back to what we thought was the hotel to talk and drink a little. Well they party just about all night in Australia and we weren't going to the hotel after all. We pull up to another club that I remembered from my last trip to Sydney. I remember it distinctly because I believe I pulled a female outta there in a personal best record time of 28 minutes. Who do I see when we pull up? Three of my four other companions that are staying at the Hilton. We get out of the car and the woman that I was keeping company ventures over to talk to one of her friends. All three turn and look at her and then back at me looking puzzled as hell. She was fine, beautiful in fact. I just shrugged my shoulders.

Now the whole time Ace was trying just a little too hard to get his girl back to the hotel. I hadn't said much to the person who I was supposedly with and I was getting pretty tired. I am told that I can sleep anywhere and...I do. I was still good to go for a little while, though. I glanced at my boys for a second and as I look back, Ace, my liberty buddy, is hopping back in a cab. All the while he was cursing and saying something like, "Let's go. 'F' this and that" I look at him like, "What the hell?" Now my friends who were standing outside the club when we pulled up were looking like, "What the hell is he doing?" I was like, "I don't know."

He got me into this, and for some reason the females were still going to hang but it was obvious that he was out for one thing. I mean, I am sure he would have gotten it but he displayed zero patience. So me, being the good liberty buddy that I am, just hops in the cab with him. You see, being in the military, especially when deployed overseas, you can't be out around town by yourself. There is a chance that, if caught, you risk getting restricted to the ship. I wasn't going out like that. I mean, I could've blended in with my friends that were already there but then that would have left him alone.

Now one of the fellas, whom I will refer to as "Snake", for reasons that will probably be explained in a Blog in the near future, basically starts rubbing his hands together and makes a mad dash for the female I left behind just as soon as I close the car door. You see the club that they were standing outside of was closed and they hadn't pulled anyone out of there. I look at the females looking at us in amazement as we drive away. For some reason it cut me deep to find out the next day that "Snake" ended up bringing the girl I was talking to back to the hotel and spending the night with her. She said that since I left her and he was the first one to talk to her that she was interested in, she would hang out with him. She also informed him that they weren't feeling Ace anyway. No harm done, I guess.

As we drove away from the women, Ace tells me that he wasn't going to put in that much work for a female and that she was being too difficult. I found out later that she just wanted to hang out a little longer. Oh yeah, another one of my friends, whom I will call "The Audi King", brought his girl back to their room and introduced her to the headboard, the ceiling, and the soft, fluffy pillows that only Hilton hotels possess.

But the story doesn't end here. As we get out of the cab near our hotel, we go to the all night McDonald's to eat and lo and behold there are two females standing in line preparing to enjoy a late night snack. I am the last to order and as I turn around I see Ace sitting down engaging the women in a conversation. I sit next to one of them, once again unwillingly fulfilling the role as the ever exclusive, often elusive, forever joked about, wingman. This woman is rather tall. She looks okay, but she scares me. So I engage in a normal conversation but I can see that she is feeling me even without me being forward or coming on to her in anyway. She tells me she wants to come back to my room after we were done eating. She stretches and then takes my hand and places it on her breasts. They are nice, but I am wondering what the hell just happened? I glance at my watch. Enter a new personal record...17 minutes!!!!

I look across the table to see how my friend is coming along and I am overcome with smoke and flames. They are overwhelming and are soon encroaching my side of the table. He has crashed and burned. He gets up and says that he is leaving, yet again, and that he would talk to me tomorrow. He tells me to handle my business. Her phone rings and it is her Step father. He says that he is stranded and needs a ride. She asks for my room number, telling me that she will be back in about 30 minutes. I tell her that I will be asleep by then and not to worry about it. She then looks at me for a minute and asks her friend to go pick up her step father for her. Her friends agrees and then, for some reason, starts telling her that her step father will be pissed if she goes and she's not there. I started to think they were running game but I soon realized that ol' girl really wanted to come back to the room. She tries to keep me there a little longer but I tell her I have to go because I am supposed to be off of the streets by 2 am. She tells me that she is going back to the hotel and for me not to leave. Seeing how she already had my name, she would ring me up.

As I catch up to Ace I start thinking about the events of the night. Was I the wingman or him? I mean, he ended up being more like a point guard than a point man. I mean those were two potential assists that, ultimately, he ended messing up. I was dragged into both of those situations and would have been the only one coming up. Ace definitely lost his wings with me. Not closing a deal that HE proposed. Not cool. All I wanted to do was go to sleep. I think I have to re-evaluate the whole "Liberty Buddy" thing next time. I need a closer when we are running the break. Somewhat like James Worthy was to Magic Johnson. Ace commits far too many turnovers for me.

G'Day, my ass!!!

Okay, so this is my fourth trip to Australia, right? And I am not bad mouthing the people there so don't get me wrong. They greet everyone with a smile and a cordial, "G'Day." But on this particular day, it seemed like the whole damn country was against us. Now I know that we are Allies on the whole "War on Terrorism" thing, but after today I don't know. I wonder sometimes if they really like us. Everyone wants to win and these guys seem to want it more than anyone.

So we arrive into Sydney and after all the hustle and bustle of tying the ship up and hooking up the pier services dies down, an Australian Officer comes to the ship inviting all to participate in the soccer and basketball tourneys that they were putting on. So I, being the basketball coach onboard, am called up to meet her and discuss such things as date, time, and place, etc. All the while I am thinking that we, even though most of them haven't played in a few months, are just going to run through 'em like John Holmes in a 70's porno. So she continues to give me the minor details as I am looking at her up and down as if it didn't matter.



The Day of the Tourney

So as I am standing outside the boat trying to muster up all who claimed that they wanted to be in the tournament, I realized that we have been out to sea for two weeks. Right then I noticed that we are going to probably have about half of the 15 promised to show up. Most would be in their hotels rooms passed out drunk from the night before. Fast forward to the start of the game and I am counting 8 out of the 20 that signed up. So here I am stuck with only two people from the original team that took second place overall at Pearl Harbor. Only those two have had significant time playing together. Nevertheless I was certain that we would still take these cats due to our superior coordination and athleticism. Some of the teams were intergrated with females, old fat out of shape guys, and just plain ol' busters. It seemed like we would walk through with no problem.

Well, my first clue that something was going to go wrong was when the referees that were present informed us that they knew little to nothing about officiating a basketball game. It was pretty obvious by their appearance anyway. I'd say that they were better suited at calling a dodgeball game or a Monopoly Tournament. I brush it off and get my guys in a crip line to practice layups. With good defense, I was sure that layups would be a significant part of our game.

The rules sucked. The first three games in this round robin tourney ran under a continuous 10 minute clock. Yep, the game lasted 10 minutes exactly, regardless of fouls, change of possession, free throws, substitutions...you get the idea. Only the semifinals and the Championship game would be two 10 minute halves with a 2 minute intermission in between. Lastly, the standings were like those in a hockey season. You are placed by Points For and Points Against. There's nothing wrong with that as long as we didn't lose, but they didn't tell us it was going to be like that until the third game. I think it came to us sorta like this, "You guys know that the more points you win by, the better off you are, don't ya?" I'm like, "Thanks for tellin' us now, Mate!" If I would have known that some of the cats on my bench would have never played. There were also no timeouts, and to substitute players you had to either signal the refs or change lineups like they do in hockey, on the fly. I was totally lost for a moment but, once again, if I was told this then this wouldn't have been a problem. There were only six teams but the whole tournament would eventually last almost six hours!! By the way, of the two American ships in Sydney at that time, we were the only one to enter this prestigious tournament.

As we are observing the first team we are about to play during the shoot around, we noticed that they had a guy that was at least 6'7" and uncoordinated as hell. Have you ever played Madden Football on any video game console and noticed how the players ran when they were returning to the huddle? Well I think that he was the poor guy that they decided to motion capture. It was funny as hell to me because I always thought that to move like that was physically impossible. You could slide a two comic books under his vertical. I swear that he couldn't hop on the curb if he had to. Moving on...

So my team is draggin' ass for the first five minutes, as expected. I was calling each one of those bastards everything but a child of God. Finally they turned up the defensive intensity the last 4 minutes of the game. Skippy, the Australian 6'7" Center, had about 8 points and 80 rebounds but we won handedly. Safe to say, he won't make the National Team.

Fast forward to the Semifinal matchup and we are going against a team that we have already beaten. We start out playing well and quickly got off to a sizable lead until suddenly, as if they all had previously talked it over, they stop playing defense again. All day the Aussies had been driving the lane against us and I am certain that if I had rice paper it would've held up better. I looked down the court on one occasion and saw my center draped in a matador outfit complete with beret and the traditional red cape. Every now and then a very faint, "Ole" could be heard from underneath the basket. Somehow we escaped that game by one point. The officiating was horrible, and very one sided. One referee under our opponent's goal was blowing his whistle with reckless abandon, while the referee under our basket had his whistle, as well as his head, stuck up his ass. They were beating the hell out of my guys and not getting any calls, yet the slightest touch on them and they were heading to the free throw line. I was stewing and yelling until I almost lost my voice, but to no avail.

What I did notice was that when we were playing any of the five Aussie teams, the gym would erupt everytime an Australian made a basket. I mean it would make you shyt your pants if you weren't prepared for it.

As we waited to start the Championship Game, I am standing in the lobby looking at the Championship Plaque. It consists of the names of all the previous Australian Armed Forces Units who finished first in the tournament throughout the years. Then it hit me. No American Units inscribed on the plaque anywhere!! Were we the first to ever enter this tournament or were the others cheated out of it just like they were trying to do to us???

My moment of clarity didn't truly arrive until right before the buzzer to start the game. I looked over to our opponent's bench and I noticed the best players from just about each of the five teams, some that we had beaten convincingly, were suiting up to play against us. What offended me was the fact that they weren't trying to hide it. They were switching jerseys on the bench right next to me! I looked to the lady running the tournament and I asked her for an explanation.

"We're just trying to make it fair. This is the Championship game. You boys still should win though."
I tell her in a nice way, "Ummmm...this is bullshyt!! You wait until the final game? My boys are tired. We have been underway and no one has really ran since October and you tell me that you are trying to make it fair?"
I wait for an answer. We stare at each other for about thirty seconds. She blinks. I walk away.

I go over to tell the guys what is painfully obvious to all of us already.
THEY AREN'T GOING TO LET US WIN THIS TOURNAMENT!!
They all contend that it doesn't matter who they put on the floor. We came this far and we are going to get our name inscribed on that damn plaque out front. I tell them, "Just don't let this game fall into the referee's hands. If you do then it's over." I go back to the bench and was aware that the referees weren't the same awful people that started the game. No, it's far worse. The officiating crew is comprised to two members from a team that we had beaten earlier. I look again at the tourney director. We stare at each other for ten seconds. All of her pieces are in play. Whenever my guys hit the court it's five on seven right off the bat.

Once again the calls are one sided. Somehow we manage to get to halftime with a 6-1 lead. I know, we only scored six points in 10 minutes! The overall score was a testament to our defense, which we must have received in the mail after the semifinal game. Those guys played their asses off the first ten minutes of that game. Then the bottom dropped out.



During the second half, a female ref who couldn't play very well herself, calls "Carry" when my guy does a hesitation dribble. I don't know if that made it over to this side of the pond or not but the move was definitely legal. I look at the score and it is locked up 12-12. The clock is continually going. One of my guys drives to the lane and he gets raped. No call. One of their guys takes the ball to the basket and my center breathes on him. Foul!!! My 2 guard goes to the rack and I witness the most fiendish clothesline ever seen on RAW!!! No call. Then for the next couple of minutes my guys forget how to defend. I look down there only to find that three of the five guys are now wearing the matador uniforms. The bulls, that are the Australian players, are finishing layups at will. I begin to cry. It's slipping away.

10 seconds on the clock, the score is 17-17. We inbound the ball down court to our power forward who gets body blocked. He stumbles and they call "Travel." I look over at the ref and she just dismisses my penetrating stare. We get a turnover and head back down court only to rush a shot that would have put us ahead by two points. After the Aussies rebound the ball they are pushing it up racing against time. Surprisingly all of my guys get back and set up on defense. Every pass is contested, every man covered. One of the Aussie guards drives to the free throw line where he is met by my man from Houston. They both go up. My guy goes up a little higher, naturally, and blocks the shot clean. A whistle blows. I look to the referee at mid court and realized that she didn't blow the whistle. To my dismay and utter disappointment, the call comes from underneath the basket. I lose it. I'm livid at this point. I start yelling like I was Rollie Massimino, the old Villanova coach. Bobby Knight would've been proud.

"How can you make that call? You are not in position to make that call. The block was clean and because of where you were standing, ole girl should have had the call!!!! Your f*ckin jersey is too f*ckin' tight, you fat sonuvabitch!!!!" Okay, I didn't say the last part but I was thinking it. He ignores me, the gym goes crazy and with no time on the clock, the score tied 17-17, the Aussies get the two foul shots. Sink one and the game is over. He makes the first one and our hearts drop.

"But they cheated!" "This is bullshyt!" "It's not fair!"
That was all that could be heard coming from my group as they walked off the court in dismay.

Yes, they did cheat. It was painfully obvious that there was no way that they were going to put an American Navy Ship's name on a Plaque laden with Australian Military commands on the front. It was already written. The only thing that stuck out in my mind were those words that I preached to my guys right before they took the court. "Don't leave the game in the referee's hands." They did, and what I feared would happen came to pass. The players from the team that "won" couldn't even look us in the eye as we walked off the court. They knew what was going on and I am sure their victory was that much more bittersweet.

I have never been to the Olympics, but I now know a glimpse of the feeling those people get. Yeah, I know, it was only one country we were up against but damn!!! It was just me and my boys and only two people to cheer us on, against what felt like the entire country of Australia. I witnessed a team cheer for the team that kicked thme out of the semifinals while they were playing us. I am not lying when I say that every time a point was scored that the gym roared in celebration.

The irony of it all is that our Secretary of State, the Honorable Condeleeza Rice, was in town to promote diplomatic unity between the US and Australia. I wonder what she would have thought if she would have visited our ship a day earlier and caught the game? "Sever all ties with these bastards now. Jim, start the car", is probably what she would've echoed and I would have been all for it. But hers is another story...

The Liberty Buddy

Those of us in the Navy, hell, most of the Armed Forces, are quite familiar with this term. Your liberty buddy is the person(s) that you sign out with prior to leaving a ship, usually in a foreign port, thereby stating that you will be leaving and returning with this particular individual. Each person is expected to keep the other out of trouble and return safely back to the ship together. Now the key to finding a good liberty buddy is to know at least some of the things that he/she likes to do. Hopefully you have had enough time where you know the people that you are considering as possible liberty buddies, because having a deadbeat with you that wants to go back to the ship early when the real fun is just beginning just sucks!!! If this does happen, you have to quit what you are doing,escort him back to the boat, and find another liberty buddy just so you can go back out into town. Things like this can pretty much mess up a night. That's why you have to choose wisely. In this case "one monkey does stop the show!"

Now the word that we got is that it would "behoove us" not to be that guy who gets into trouble and messes it up for everybody. You know, all the people onboard, the whole battle group, our country's image...you know, nothing major. I do have to skip the particulars, but you should get the idea. I am going to partner up with my friends Malik, Bartholomus, Khary, and Clem. Now this should be very interesting because we are all a different breed in our own right. Each of us would probably react to a particular situation differently. I am sure the outcome would be the same regardless. Now one thing that we were told is that the locals are always right. No matter what happens, if there is a problem and we didn't walk away from it, it's our fault. What raised my eyebrow was that it's not just the person who was directly involved, but his liberty buddy too!!!! Once again you have to choose your buddy wisely.

Now I'm talking to my friend Malik and he asks me, "Nev, what are we going to do if someone comes up and slaps us in our face, or hits me in the back of the head while I am backing down and walking away? You know I can't just let some shyt like that happen. I'm gonna be throwing and you better help!" I was pretty much thinking to myself, "Damn, what did I get myself into picking this dude? I know that the way my luck has been, if anything like that were to happen it would happen to my ass." I looked at him and said, "Man, if it gets to that point then we must have done something wrong. If you feel that you can't walk away without throwing blows and eventually getting both of us in trouble, then if there are six of 'em...there will be seven pairs of feet stompin' the shyt outta yo ass!!!! I mean, f*ck it! If I am going down anyway because I was here with you, I am going to have fun even though my liberty is circling the drain."

At least while we are in front of the Old Man getting ready to hang from our toenails, I can lean over and whisper in his ear, "Man...we f*cked yo' ass up!!!", and try to hold in the laughter throughout the whole ass chewing, loss of rank ceremony.

Truth be told, liberty buddies are a necessity. It allows us to look out for each other. There is safety in numbers but is can also mean there is that much more shyt that people will get into. I guess you really have to weigh the benefits. I don't think that people should get in trouble for something that someone else did. You can only recommend a course of action which, as it sometimes happens, that person doesn't have to follow. If you or your libery buddy get into it with some foreigners on their soil then it is us who wronged them. No ifs, ands, or buts, about it. Case closed awaiting sentencing. I know that Malik will be an aiight liberty buddy. Sure, he hangs around on the edge and tries to get people to come with him, but when it comes to common sense I know he has plenty of it. All in all, I just wish I was back at home getting ready to hit up Rumours tonight or something.

Seeing the world is fun as hell but there's comfort in your own environment. This deployment is going to be different from the last. A hell of a lot different. With a new regime comes new rules. That's how it is everywhere. What can you do other than understand the rules and play within the guidelines? I've been doing it for thirteen years so why stop now?

Pimpin' All Over The World.

It never fails. We are underway on a deployment and the only thing that most of my brothers think about is who, and how many, females they are gonna hit in these foreign ports.

I can't really talk because when I was a young sailor visiting Haifa, Israel, while on a tour of Jerusalem...the Holy City now, I was wondering what I was going to get into that night. Wondering where the women congregated after hours and all of that. You would be surprised to know that there are some fine women over there. Anyway, what I am trying to say is that it took a phone call to my Mom during the tour to make me realize where I was and what I was actually doing. She made me focus on the fact that I never dreamed of ever visiting these places. Here I am in Jeruaslem, a place I read about only in the Bible during Sunday school, and I am thinking about ass!!!! I had to beg for forgiveness. I visited the place of The Last Supper, The Wailing Wall, Massada, The Church of the Rock where I touched the slab that they laid Jesus' body on, and a couple of other places. She opened my eyes. And now I turn my attention to these cats on my ship.

I have to admit that in most countries outside the States it is very easy to meet a woman, take them to your hotel room and go at it. Very easy!!!! I blame that on the men of that country though. They really don't pay the ladies that much attention. But the idea of sex to them seems more like an activity, one where your heart doesn't come along to play. I often believed it was incorporated into every date that they go on. While I am not against being an ambassador of my country and spreading Diplomacy, if that is in fact her name (Heh Heh), I must admit that I have grown to the point where that isn't my main focus. There are a lot of things to do in these places we visit and I am going to make a point to venture out and partake in some of the activities. I hope my brothers open their eyes and see me on this one. If not, just strap it up and have at it. Maybe it will sink in and they will come around on the next tour. That just didn't sound right for some reason.