One Small Step for Man....

Setting: In the Maintenance Office about three weeks ago.

Aiight, so I'm looking online because I am thinking that I need a new set of boots. Some asshole, while cleaning up the berthing (the small sleeping area where they cram 90 muhf*ckahs in like a can of Vienna sausages- wun) throws away one, I repeat, ONE of my boots. Now why would anyone do some evil shyt like that, I don't know.

Sooooo after borrowing a pair from a colleague of mine...I know, I know, not the preferred way to go but we were going to be out to sea for over a month and I needed a pair to wear, I search for some to purchase. I come across these.

Now they look comfortable and I think that I am going to enjoy these because, hey, you gotta look after your feets. I begin to read up on them and the more and more I read I start believing that these are the pair for me. I mean here is what the advertisement says about them.

ETC™ technology controls friction, and preventing moisture and blisters
Sympatex membrane for waterproof and bloodborne protection
Lace to toe Styling
Slip-resistant Vibram outsole
Steel toe and shank
Removeable insole
Meets ANSI Z41 PT99 M1/75 C/75 standards for safety toe

I know what you're thinking. "This cat is a sucker for advertising." Well, you would be right. I was sold. I mean, considering where I was going to be going the "Sympatex membrane for waterproof and bloodborne protection" might have been just what Unca Sam shoulda provided us with all along. I mean, I don't wanna die from any bloodborne agents. And yes, my home that I build will have a bomb shelter. Annnnnnnnnnnd if the other disclosures weren't enough, they go into great detail about the "friction controlled" point of it all. Then, as if they needed anymore visual aids for this fish, who was already reeling from the hook that he just bit down on, they hit me with a picture that looks like this....
Yeah. The one on the left just looks like your feet would be a hell of a lot cooler. I mean I told you that just yesterday that it got up to 105 degrees. I look at the price. "As low as $139.99!"

Well, GAWT DAMN!!!!! I am used to paying only $70 for some steel-toed shoes. Hell these things better massage my toes for that price, shyt!!!! After a little time to think it over, I finally enter my address and credit card information. F*ck it. We were going to be out and I wanted a good pair of boots so I might as well spend the cash, right? Man was I ever wrong about that!!!!

Ten days go by and I am told that I have mail, and that it must be a care package because it was so big. I am excited because I am thinking that finally, FINALLY...that care package that J said that she was going to send had arrived. I rush upstairs like a little ass kid, brushin' pass people, just anxious as hell to open a bag of those pistaccios. When I get there I find a big ass box sitting in the middle of the floor. Thinking this must be it, I head over, pick it up and realize that it is lighter than I would've hoped. I look further and I see that it is in fact the name of the company I bought the boots from. The box is huge!!! I wear a size 14 but damn!!! I open it up and I find myself staring at the biggest set of frickin' moonboots in all of GOD's creation!!!!!!


DAMNNN!, I yelled. People gathered around and all shared in on the moment. The laughs just wouldn't stop coming. I made the mistake and tried them on in front of my guys. I was told that I looked like...


So I'm thinking I am going to break them in and then maybe they would start to looking normal. Well the very next day I am on watch and Khary comes down to chat. After seeing my boots he begins to cut loose. As he's hopping around in the chair very slowly trying to simulate an astronaut, "KAAAAAAHHHH...That's one small step for man..."

105 and rising!!!!!!

Wheeeewwwwwww!!!!!! It is fuggin' hot ova here!!!!! We have just pulled in port Jebel Ali and it is burning up. I have seen Hell and...well, it's ruled by Arabs. I know! I'm wiggin' the f*ck out too. I see why they are mad as hell!!! I don't know what you have to look forward to over here. Get up in the morning and it's what...95 degrees? Go to work, break for lunch when it's what...102 degrees? Come home, kiss the kids, smack the wife around, water the cactus, and then jump in bed with their "funboys!"* Yeah, that life has to suck.



But these cats do have money over here. That is without question. The place isn't too bad though. Just down the world lies the first 7 Star hotel in the world!!!! I know that to spend one night in it would take up my whole paycheck. And that's just for a twin bed. I wouldn't dare touch the damn mini bar or call for room service. Steal a bath robe in that hotel if you want to. I am sure you would be paying the price of your entire wardrobe to pay it back.

If you have never seen pictures of the hotel then here it is.












They have beautiful places out here. I mean they built a water park. I am sure that there were a lot of insurance companies worried about things like...people falling into boiling pools of water and shyt. To the right of this beautiful hotel they are planning to build a theme park of all theme parks!!!! I don't know...with the money that these cats have I will have to say that if they can think it, then it can be done. With that I would like to tell you that they have an indoor ski resort!!! What the f*ck!!!!



And a couple of blogs ago I was wondering why it costs about $70 per barrel. I guess this is our answer. I tell you what though...when they build a CheeseCake Factory out of real Cheesecake...I'm gonna check myself outta this life, personally!!!!

*funboys- It is common practice for Arabs, at least the ones I and my friends have encountered on our many deployments over here, to impregnate the women and actually walk down the street holding hands with other dudes or their "funboys." This was explained to us by a cab driver. It's awful, really, but if they like spreading that "Manlove"...then by all means, go right ahead. But the women stay covered. No disrespect, I just wanna understand why?

I was informed by a coworker that the women are covered as to not let other men covet another man's wife, or be tempted to do so. I argued with her that the dating game in this society would pretty much suck ass. She agreed.

And me, with no asbestos underwear!

Okay. I have been put on blast for the last time. People feeling the need to talk to others about things that I do, or shyt I say, or places I've been. Why?

***I know you read this so you do know that I am talking about you. Why would you put your girl through that?***
That was a little personal note for the person responsible for this post. I would've addressed her direct but I don't know her email address. (J, you already know the story so just look at the pictures)

I know I am not Sherlock Holmes but I too have attained the title of Master Sleuth. The trail? Not bread crumbs but more like a landing strip found at your nearest airport.



Now I am usually calm, cool and collected when it comes to handling even the most stressful situations. Like Mace Windu, (Yeah, I referenced Star Wars…forgive me) my powers come from looking for, and finding, the “Shatterpoint” of any situation. The one spot which, even with the slightest touch, can bring anything crashing down to it's knees.

Okay, let me back up before I lose you. Now, I am currently in between relationships. Why? Because I just am, dammit. Nah, I wasn’t dating anyone serious before because I was getting underway for deployment, which I am currently still on. Well that, coupled with the fact that I didn’t want to be bothered when I didn’t want to be bothered, ya dig? Now why go ahead and start dating someone when you know you don’t really know them that well to be holding them for six months to the whole, “I trust you” and “I know you will be there when I get back” type of thing. What makes you think someone else won’t come along and swoop her up? I mean, if you have only been kicking it for little over a month why give someone else six months? It’s not fair to both of you. That and the fact that I don't know you or feel you like that.

Well my problem begins with a friend of mine. Not him directly, but he got me into all this. He started dating a woman who I thought was cool by all conventional means. Well call her Eve. She would call me up on my cell and tell me problems they were having and ask me not to tell him about the conversations. Now, I didn't think that I was betraying him all. I would listen and try to tell her what she should do without underminding anything that was going on with them. So I'm thinking we cool, right?

So she hooks me up with one of her friends. I mean, I had no problem really finding a woman to hang out with if even for a night or two when I seriously needed it, but I guess they felt that I should belong to somebody. The first friend…fine as hell. We hang out a little. Do whatever, but then I find out she was married. Well, I am not going to even get into that right now. That’s another story unto itself. Let’s just say that their credibility was shot from then on. After some effort she tells me that she has someone else she wants me to meet. Feeling a little reluctant, I give in one day. We meet and we hit it off pretty good, I guess. She, well, lets call her...

She's cool. I mean we would hang out over each other's crib, do whatever and be cool about it.
Everything seems to be alright until one day she looks out her window to find the ground covered with...

...feelings!!! And they were still falling from the sky (Okay, so we live in Hawaii and it's a shytty metaphor, but stay with me dammit!!!) So what does she do? She goes outside and decides to catch a few. Meanwhile, on the other side of town, I glance out my window and see...

...not a damn thing!!!! So I continue on and eventually head off on deployment. Well she would send me emails daily flirting with me and such and talking about this and talking about that. We pretty much kept in touch and that was cool until one day she tells me that she is mad at me. I'm tripping because I don't understand how someone could be mad at someone who wasn't even around. I glance at the last couple of emails to see where this might be coming from and then I am hit with this:
"I heard from Eve that she saw you on this dating site hugging three girls. It made me sick!"

I start tripping. I mean, she wrote it with attitude. I wasn't worried about it because we weren't together, but it took me all of one minute before I became furious as hell. First of all, why would Eve, who was trying to hook us up, even do anything like that when she didn't know anything about what was going on in the picture? After all the talks we've had, even though her and ol' boy aren't together, why wouldn't she ask me what was up? Did she want to make sure her friend wasn't happy too? Oh, I forgot to put out that she even told Agent Skully that she wanted to f*ck me at one time. What was that about? Secondly, why bring this BS to me when you know we ain't together like that? Why even approach me with some BS like this? And the pic? The pic she was talking about came from a blog on this site!

Okay, so how did she know about the picture? I will tell you how.
[Putting on the houndstooth deerstalker cap with earflaps. Firing up the pipe]
She was probing through Myspace. After coming across my profile, she decided to click on it. Looking it over, which either happened on the first or second time she came across my page, because not too many people click on everything, she decided to check out the link to my blogs. This, then, brought her to Blogger and my page. Reading my blogs, she came across the picture with my drunk ass hugging the three Aussie females. She made her assumptions. She then called her friend.

Now, what still gets me is why did she feel the need, and Agent Skully told me that she begged for her to see it, to try to start something? Why was she so adamant about showing her??? Did she think that she was messing up something for me? Did she think I cared? I was more pissed off at the fact that they had the nerve to bring it to me like I did something wrong. Did I sleep with ol' girl on the far left? Nope. Would I have if I wasn't as drunk as I was? Hell yeah!!! (If you read the "Who's covering my six?" post, you will see how that jacked up night turned out)

J will tell you that I probably f*cked up more chances with females by being too drunk than the amount of woman I have been with since she's known me. Then again, I do creep a lot. But let's say, case in point..."hot latina/black chick in the red dress"...I think I coulda got her...probably...maybe...okay, focus.

Anyway, I'm just venting. Well, now we aren't as cool as we used to be, Agent Skully and I, but I do thank you for sending me the 3 bottles of Dial shower soap. I still got a present for you too. This tripped me out, but now I do believe it. Triflin' ass chicks???? THEY ARE OUT THERE!!!!

The Nicotine Chronicles-Day 75??? Whatever...Shyt!!!

I can definitely taste the food a lot better. I still haven't figured out if that goes in the plus column or not. Constantly itching and fidgeting around like the drug that I'm trying to kick is Crack Cocaine instead of what's normally found in cigarettes. The road to recovery is long and winding and I'm already getting dizzy. This is my story...

I know it’s been a while but I am still holding strong…sort of. I know I tend to compare my situation with Ace’s a lot but here’s why. He got on me bad about not “quitting” when everyone else chose to. Of the two that decided to put the sticks down, he is the only one that started back up. The sad thing is that he did so without skipping a beat. It was like he never quit at all.



Well the topic of this post is basically due to the fact that Ace got on me about smoking cigars. You see, I have smoked on a few Cuban cigars the last couple of weeks and I was feeling bad. I mean, I didn’t inhale at all, but Ace and a fellow “forever” smoker, told me that I was worse than they were. They said that cigars were worse to smoke than cigarettes and that I shouldn’t act like I was better then them. This prompted me to do some research. I didn’t believe them because I wondered who in the hell would inhale cigar smoke? Well, until...



“Are you okay, Snake? You do know that your dumb ass shouldn’t inhale these, right? Right??? Oh, hell naw….get him up!”

Health risks associated with cigar smoking may be less than with cigarettes, since most cigar smokers are only "occasional" users, and most do not inhale the smoke into their lungs when puffing. Some cigar smokers do inhale, however, usually out of habit if they have previously smoked cigarettes. Smoking five cigars a day, and inhaling moderately, produces the same lung cancer risk as for a pack-a-day cigarette smoker. Since cigars are much larger than cigarettes, each one packs more punch. Some large cigars contain as much tobacco (and nicotine) as an entire pack of cigarettes. "-Some web site, some woman on it

"It's unfiltered, yeah, but it's also without additives. That means it's from the earff!!! Yeah, cigars are worse than cigarettes when it comes to second hand smoke but as long as the person smokin' it doesn't inhale...it should be okay. Everyone else can kiss my ass!!! "- Me, no degree...moderate credibility

Here's a "No shyt " quote:

"People smoking as few as one to two cigars per day have much higher risk of oral, lung, and esophageal cancer, and cancer of the larynx, as compared to a non- smoker." - Overpaid genius, American Cancer Society

Get the hell outta here!!! For real???? Was that a space filler or what?

Ahhhhhh...Salma....now that's a space filler. I told you before that I am amorously infatuated with her. Yep....moving on...

I do not inhale cigar smoke. Sure, a little might get in there when I light it up, but that's about it. I know some people who do inhale it. For those that like that shyt, go for it. I don't plan on going back to smoking cigarettes, but for now, I will enjoy these cigars without any remorse or guilt....or a shot of good alcohol, I'm afraid. .

"The blogging experience is about not only putting your thoughts on the web, but hearing back from and connecting with other like-minded folks."- Blogger

I live by this, I swear!!!!

Sittin' on watch again....

I'm rambling here. Once again I am bored and now...I guess you have subjected yourself to this...

What does this verse say to you?
-"Cuz when you get inside/you can't change your mind/don't mean to sound impatient/but you gotta promise baby, ohhh..."--Usher on Lover's and Friends.


I smell a date rape. Thrown out are the opportunity for one to change one's mind, leaving said individual to commit to an already discussed order of events, as well as those subject to come up at a moment's notice. Yeah...date rapist. Last line should've been:
Usher: "...don't mean to sound impatient/but I got warrants baby"
Female: "Ohhhhhhhh!!!"



-It's been over 3 months since I've....you know...done the deed. I'm just sayin'...it's depressing. A certain female is gonna catch a bad one when I get back. Anyway, I guess I would feel worse if I weren't on deployment. You know, going home to nobody and getting those funny feelings when watching something on cable, say"Real Sex" on HBO...if you like that. It's kinda weird sometimes to me but anyway... Say you see something that arouses ya, but you have nobody to call? That would... suck, for lack of a better term.
{Shudders} I just hate to think of it. I mean, we have all been there, but it's not a good place and we try not to remember the way back.

= Buddy F*cker

-Cingular seems to have this whole "Customer Avoidance" plan down to a science. I have been trying to get them to suspend my service until I return from deployment for 3 months now. They contend that they cannot suspend it without a fax of my government orders. I don't think it should've gotten to that point. Before the AT&T/Cingular merger, things between me and AT&T were fine. Yeah, they didn't have the best reception on the island but whatever. That is the price you pay for great service. For example, I am going on deployment in '03. I call AT&T up and tell them that I will be leaving the country due to military committments and to please suspend the account until my return. They said "No problem" and that's about it. There wasn't the whole "I need you to fax me a copy of your military orders so that I can verify them. After that we will be able to suspend your military plan until you return from deployment." She said "military a few more times and it pissed me off!!!

"If I am on a military plan, why would it be far fetched to believe that I may be getting deployed?"

The phone was silent.

Finally she uttered, "I don't know what to tell you, sir. Excuse me for a second..." She's gone for maybe 15 seconds and then..."Sir? Yeah, it's just the way it is."

I know what she did. Instead of talking to her manager, she asked the person sitting next to her. Probably too afraid to bug the manager, yet again, with another question that she didn't know the answer to.

I tell her that I didn't have to go through this last time with AT&T. Why is this that much of a problem? Turn my shyt off. She continues to say she can't and that Cingular and AT&T, though they have merged, operate differently regarding these things.

"Well how am I supposed to know that?"

There's silence on the line.

I hang up on her upset knowing that it wasn't her fault. I should've taken care of this earlier like Ace did. Well, not like him because they turned his shyt off the day he called. He had to call them back so that he could have it for the last weekend that we were on the island. It took a day and man he was pissed!!!

I am hot when I get to the boat because this was the first day of deployment and once we get away from the pier we won't have any fax capabilities. It's cool becasue I thought I was the only one but there were several more like me that were just as pissed. They were with AT&T too. What upsets me is that when I logged on to Cingular.com today, the first thing I saw was a US Navy Promotion. Go look at it. I bet it's still there. They should have a Trojan Magnum advertisement too because they are f*ckin' us over!!!! Wait....this sums it up completely.

Customer Service Reps at prefer the use ofwhen f*cking over

Riddle me this??

1. If you could be doing what you really want to be doing for a living, what would it be?
Playing a professional sport. Unfortunately, I think I would be like a lot of athletes and have kids all over the country. Maybe it's a good thing that I'm not. I mean, how would I be able to see all my kids? How many times does a team bus just break down in Bakersfield, CA?
2. If you could slap the shit out of any famous person, alive or dead, who would it be?
I don't know, maybe Christopher Columbus. "Just a little bit more and you would've done it, asshole!"
3. What's the dumbest decision you've made in the past 5 years?
Staying in the military. If I could go back in time I would give them back the $42,000 bonus, knock out my boss, flip them the duece, and then get my big ass in the wind.
4. Give up one for a year: (good) sex or (good) music.
Bad sex is better than no sex at all (at least for guys), and the music that has been coming out lately hasn't been too stellar...I'm gonna say good music.
5. Dudes, would you rather have a big dick or a great sense of humor? Ladies, nice tits & azz or common sense?
If any of my blogs can make you at least chuckle, then I am the proud owner of both.
6. So you've been invited to an all expense paid Blogger Prom in The Bahamas. You're sitting at the bar on the beach. Which blogger do you want to join you for hours of good convo?
Khary, J, her boy Miquel, 'Nique, Nsane, and that's about it. Honestly, I'm cool with everyone though. If you got good conversation, especially a sense of humor, then there's a seat for you.
7. Which blogger would you most like to cuddle with on the beach? (and don't defer to your current signif other either. Infidelity won't count against you. Duh.)
Haven't interacted with too many females on here. J and I are cooler than a fan so that would leave it between the other two women. Fight it out ladies!!!! Nah, but gimme time to expand my peeps. I'll let ya know.
8. You're going on a 5 hour road trip...which 5 CDs do you bring?
Outkast's Southerplayalisticcadillacmuzik, Young Jeezy, and 3 CDs that I mix up to include hip hop, R&B, and old skool, which seeing how it's 2006, can now include Jodeci...LMAO!!

"It's been an hour since you been gone...."

9. Would you rather bury your children young or have your children bury you young?
I would rather have my children, when I spawn some, bury my ass.
10. What's your biggest insecurity?
Being too picky in finding a mate fearing that I may one day be alone forever. I don't care who I sleep with, but every woman ain't entitled to forever.
11.What's the first blog you read every day...or however often you read them?
J's. I don't know why because she hasn't written anything in a while.
12. When's the last time you peed your pants?
The last time I shyt myself. Prolly age 3.
13. Which was better, your first kiss or your first pay check?
I kinda liked kissing alot when I was younger, so I am going to have to say my first kiss. It opened doors letting in things like confidence, for instance. Plus, I have been told that I am a pretty good kisser so...
14. Do you have kids? Want kids?
Don't have any, but I want some. If I don't find a mate soon, I'm going to have to convince one of my homegirls that don't have any, but would like to have one, to go in on half. That would be a good movie or sitcom, wouldn't it? Wait a minute!!! Don't you steal it, GAWT DAMMIT!!!!!


15. You get dropped off at home after the office holiday party by your bitch azz boss that you can't effing stand...you exit the car and he peels out, runs a red light at your corner and rolls up an unsuspecting midget. The next day the midget watch groups are on TV outraged at the heartless hit and run, and are calling for any witnesses to please come fwd...that half dead midget has a family at home waiting on C-mas presents. Would you take $1000 hush money? $500? $100? A six pack?
I believe that would bring us together.!!! Seek out something that you both love to do and then form a bond. Shyt instead of going golfin' and kissin' his ass, or having boring ass "Casual Fridays", we could all enjoy "Midget Bashin' Mondays!!"
16. Live the rest of your life without your eyebrows or your fingernails?
Eyebrows. That's an easy one.
17. What makes you angry?
I try not to get angry but I find that there are at least two occasions every year where I find this utterly impossible. The NBA and NFL Drafts. I am from Chicago. Enuff said!!!!!
18. What makes you horny?
-A strong wind
-A beautiful woman joggin and perspiring, either on the street or on a treadmill with the ponytail swayin' back and forth
-Any and everything Vida G (see HHW #5)
-A woman straddling just about anything
-A kiss planted in the right place by the right woman
-An oh so gentle breeze as I get out of the shower on a hot summer's day...
19. What makes you nervous?
-Not knowing something. I mean there is a lot that I don't know, but not knowing things that I either want to learn, or that I should know already
-Being on the passenger side with a female driving. I wouldn't care if we were in a tank. I would be nervous as hell. I blame Moms on that one. I flew out of the car, rolled what felt like 10 city blocks, and landed in front of an on coming semi when I was three. While it wasn't totally her fault, she was driving.
20. What makes you smile?
-Making my Mom laugh so hard that she starts snorting. That's cool for me
-When I am in the presence of family and friends that I haven't seen in a while
-When I am around my boys, like Steve or Malik, and I know that in the next couple of minutes I am going to be laughin' my ass off or shakin my head in disbelief

If you are reading this then you have been tagged. I expect visit your site soon so that I can get to know you a little more.

"I want what's comin' to me"

Manny: "Yeah, well what's that?"
Tony Montana: "The world, chico...and everything in it."-Scarface



While I don't profess to have all the answers, I think Tony forgot Rule #2.

2-DON'T GET HIGH ON YOUR OWN SUPPLY!!

I think this muhf*cka was sittin' in class next to Smokey or something!! Probably cheated offa each other's test and shyt!!!

Can anyone explain to me how oil has gone up $50 a barrel since we came to Iraq???? I mean, we protecting that shyt ain't we???? I think anyone who has done a tour should get free gas for at least two years or as long as they are in the military. I mean damn. What would Tony Montana do?

Look at this shyt!!!!!


The only thing I want to see progressing in this fashion is my free throw percentage. I am sure that Shaq would agree.

This shyt is ridiculous!! We were better off not f*cking with these cats!!

We shoulda jumped in bed with them bytches or somethin'!!! I mean they f*ckin' us, ain't they??? Maybe we just need to give these nikkas a hug or something because I don't see this shyt stoppin'!!

Along with this chart is this one:


I am thinking about buying me a f*ckin' horse!!! Maybe a camel. Wouldn't that be some cruel irony for yo ass?? Hey they can go days without water, right??

Shyt, f*ck that!!! You don't know my pain!!! I have been gone from the country for about 3 months and there is no telling what the price is going to be like when I get back.

Here's some more irony for your ass...I bought a f*ckin SUV in 2004!!! You wanna know how much it costs to fill that bitch???????


A F*CKIN' GRIP!!!!!

I'm hittin' the first camel lot I see when I get home...you can bet dat.

The Road to Hell is Paved....

Well I was intending on attending my first day of class to get certified a Master Journeyman in Electronics. What happened that fuct up Saturday morning will forever be burned into my memory. Not that it was tragic, nor did something really traumatic happen, just...well here goes...



I get up that Saturday morning and go through my usual routine. I fry some bacon, toast a bagel and whip up some cheese eggs (I make the best eggs this side of EVER). So as I am eating my breakfast, I get a phone call from, we'll call him "John Henry", asking me to pick him up from his house so he can roll with me. Now this doesn't bother me because me and JH are cool. I roger up on gettin' him and then hang up, smoke a cigarette and then proceed to get ready to leave.

As I am pulling up to his house, I beep the horn and out the door he comes. Now I recommend friends like these who refuse to keep anyone waiting on them especially if they are depending upon that person to give them a ride somewhere. (Keep that in mind, J) Now JH is 6 ft 6 inches tall and at the time I met him, he was about 290 pushing 300. As he turns and kisses the wifey goodbye, I remember our first meeting.

At that time I was new to the ship that I am currently on and I was walking down a passageway heading toward my berthing [Where we Navy people sleep- Just trying to keep you abrushed on the terms, mate-wun] when all of a sudden I can't see the light 20 feet in front of me. Around the corner had come this big menacing, formidable, "Oh hell naw, where the f*ck is my gun", looking figure who was continually walking towards me and not slowing down. Now p-ways ["passageways", you're welcome-wun] on ships are narrow to begin with. I, on one hand, stood barely 6ft 2" and pretty much was drawfed by him. I look in front of me as we are getting closer and I notice a repair locker on the left. There is a pipe wrench in plain view and I felt that if I could get to it I had a chance. In that short period of time I then proceeded to fast forward and play out the next 15 seconds in my head.

As the Wookiee ventured in closer I lunged out for the Battle pipe. He let out a menacing growl and instantly closed the gap between us. Reaching the pipe first, I turned and swung with all of my earthly might.
[Crack]
He grimaced in pain as I laid the end of the blunt object squarely across his temple. As he tumbled to the ground, sensing victory I gathered all my strength for the death dealing blow. With painstaking clarity in his eyes, sensing that this was indeed the sum of all his fears, he raised his hands in submission as if to say...

"What' s up man? You new onboard? I'm John Henry and I work in the engine room. Nice to meet you. Where you coming from, dawg?"

He had extended his hand and it totally engulfed mine, as well as part of my forearm. We've been cool ever since.

Well we're in the truck driving down H-1 following two other people that were also attending the class. Exiting off the expressway, we get to a street not too far from downtown Honolulu. The car in front of me turned the corner and I proceeded to follow. The white RAV4 that I was with swung to the right of the car and sped off. Attempting to follow it, I passed the car on the left side and as I punched on the gas I noticed this:



It was too late!!! I was only able to look behind me and in the right lane and there were no moves to make. I couldn't stop because I had cut one asshole off (Look who's calling who the asshole. I know...) and there was the guy that I was trying to get in front of that, for some reason, decided to speed up. I bit down hard. I was going to have to take this one. F*ck!!! And I had just bought these rims and had low pro Pirelli's on 'em too...



[POOOW.....HISS.....HISS......HISS.....HISSSS]

"What the f*ck was that?", JH yelled. "What the hell did you just do? What was it, B?"

"I just f*ckin' farted and blew an O-ring in my ass", I snapped. "What the f*ck do you think happened?"

At this time I am hot. I mean, I knew it was all my fault, but I felt that the loud ass thud from falling in and coming out of a 5 inch pothole, while going 45 miles an hour, coupled with the rhythmic hissing, should have made the answer pretty damn obvious.

He could sense I was heated. [HISS....HISS...HISS] I pulled the truck to a stop about 20 yrds past the pothole. I make sure not to brake too quickly as not to start a collision that would lead to a pileup or anything. Luckily the car behind was a beater and it took the pothole like a champ, and seeing my fate, changed lanes with nobody behind him. We exit the car to look at the damage. Tire was blown the hell out. 10 inch rip in it. I couldn't tell at the time but the rim was slightly bent.

Everyone that was in our group returned to the scene after a phone call from JH. We assess the situation after all of the "Damns", "Oh, Shyts", "What the f*ck were you thinkings" were passed around. I call my insurance company who quickly (HA) dispatches a tow truck to haul me to the nearest shop that they would pay for. Of course this shop is always gonna be 10 shorter than were you want it to be. I wanted to go to Sears near my house so that I could get my stocks put back on. Well my house was 14 miles away, while the nearest shop was 3 miles.

By this time people are getting antsy. Class was about to start in 45 minutes and people were trying to wait for the tow truck with me but didn't want to be late on the first day. Out of nowhere a siren is heard and a Honolulu policeman pulls up behind my truck. He gets out and asks if we need him to call a tow truck. I tell him that it was already done. He starts to usher traffic away from my lane due to it being a three lane street and I was in the far left lane. What's pictured below on the right is actually a median with trees and shyt. My truck was a little further than where the pic was taken. After a minute of that he comes back and asks me the dumbest question.


"Sir, do you think we can push your truck over to the right into that parking lot 30 yrds away?"

I tell him, "But I have a flat and I am sittin' on my rims already." He looks around the group and at the trucks lined up and realized everyone has 20's or better on their feet. He looks at me. I look back giving him the "Shyyyyyyyyyt" face. He hops in the car and drives away. I mean, it wasn't that much traffic. I broke out my street hazard sign and called it a day.

I then tell the guys that they should go and let the instructor know what happened and that I will be there next week. I wasn't worried because I have been doing electronics for years and was sure I could miss the first 6 of these classes. So they leave and I am stuck here to wait for the tow truck that I called 30 minutes ago.

My phone rings. It's the insurance company telling me that the truck got caught up and that it could be up to another hour. Damn!!! So I, for what reason I don't know, call my ex girlfriend. She begins to tell me of some pothole hotline and how I can get my money back and everything. I start thinking shyt, I could use that. The rim is going to cost $650+ and the tire about $250.

Well, I call them and then I get an automated service. I mess around with that for 30 minutes before I hang up in disgust. Still no tow truck.

After another hour, and me having smoked my last cigarette, the tow truck pulls up. Driving it is a bruh, who later I find out is from LA. His story was one all too common of military people who come over, get out and then decide to stay, all the while complaining about the high cost of living. Anyway, as we load the truck up and head towards the Sears near my house, he's telling me about his weekend while playing Beef 2 soundtrack, I think, on the Cd player. I look out the window just in time to see another one of these...



I see it, he doesn't.

[BLAM.....BLAM]

I'm thinking this shyt better not mess up my oth..

[BLAMMM]

"Oh, shyt!!!", he says. "My bad."

If looks could kill dude's head woulda exploded. I think he sensed it. But anyway, I believe the road to hell is paved with good intentions and filled with f*ckin' potholes. You get there by landing in a lot of them. Killin' his ass would've been just one more along the way.

The good thing is dude didn't charge me extra for the distance. I saved 30 bucks. The rest of that day sucked and.....that's about it. Any questions?

Why am I writing about this? This story popped in my mind as I was looking at pics of my truck. As I was looking online for some pictures of potholes, I noticed that some cat hit the same f*cking sinkhole sometime after I did and wrote a story about it. His was geared towards the "Pothole hotline". I used the pics though. True story.

I'm bored again

Yep! It’s that muhf*ckin time again!!! I have reached a writer’s block and when that happens I write about whatever the hell comes to mind. Come along for the ride if you like. The journey is always more exciting than the destination anyway. Being that I don’t know where the hell I’m going…I got it! I’m going back home!!!

My beloved Chicago!!!!!




I miss home so much that I can’t begin to tell you. Though I love Hawaii and a lot of the people I have befriended out there, there’s nothing like home. Man, I would just like to go back for maybe a month. That’s all I would need.



How many people saw Cooley High? Did you know (that would be a good title for another segment. “Did you Know…) that the school that I graduated from had some books carried over from that High School? Yep. You know how they used to stamp the names of the school in the front of back of the book? Well Cooley High was stamped in one of mine. Seriously, though…while that may not be the most interesting part of your day, I actually used to catch the Ravenswood “B” Train at Sedwick station, right were Cochise got his ass whupped by Stone and Roberts, along wit Damon’s ol punk ass. Just an interesting tid bit.

“How do I say goodbye to what we haaaaaaaaaaad...” Moving on…


I would kill to be able to go to the “Taste of Chicago.”



The Taste of Chicago is an annual tradition for the city held at Grant Park during the 10-day period leading up to the Fourth of July. There’s food from over 100 local restaurants, great entertainment from radio stations, concerts, and a variety of exhibits and activities. The various restaurants set up shop in tents. The food options are too muhf*ckin’ many to list, but I can’t got without getting some of the best pizza and cheesecake in the world. NO LIE!!!!! .

If you are there in the winter grab your fishing poles and do some ice fishing over at the


Shedd Aquarium.

Here they claim to be the largest indoor aquarium with over 8000 aquatic animals in their 3 Million Gallon Oceanarium and 900K Gallon Caribbean Reef exhibits for your fishing pleasure. Evading security guards also adds in on the fun.

I miss being amongst the people and cheering for our overachieving ass sports teams. Nothing like bitching about how this is messed up, and that sucks, and how we, as if we were ever gonna be given the opportunity, would fix things up. Like for instance, I don’t know, nor do I ever know, what the hell the Bears were thinking going with two short corners and a utility kick returner. They always do that to me. Remember them drafting Brad Muster???? Yeah.



You know what else? The Bulls have two first round draft picks this year. Why am I upset, you ask? Because that gives them two chances to really f*ck things up!!!! Anyone ever heard of Will Perdue? Dennis Hopson? Stacey King? Wait and see.


Not to mention that I still would have to deal with the fact that these sumbitches won the World Series and not my beloved Cubbies.


Enough of that. Chicago is in its own little world and I love it for that reason, and that reason only. We are different than all other cities in the US. Most of us are calm, cool- headed individuals but all with the capability of going off at a moments notice if the situation presents itself. I have met nothing but cool brothers from the ‘Go ever since I have left there. We represent well, even if we don’t boast about things.

BEHOLD...PLANET CHICAGO



Enough of that for now, I am getting homesick. I am just trying to get back to Hawaii and my truck. There it is there with my boy Ab just profiling and shyt. Don’t ask me what he’s doing. How’s she holdin’ up J????? Don’t hurt my baby…anymore!!!!



I can’t think of anything else to spew so I am in the wind. It’s that time again so stand by for my next installment of HHW. Sorry ladies. I guess J can hook you up with her "Future Ex Husband" blogs. Be easy.